The WM Parenting Connection

by Marina DelVecchio
According to Haim Ginott, a child psychologist and teacher in Israel, "if you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others." This quote strikes me with great intensity when I consider one of the most standout moments of my childhood -- when I felt most shame -- which often occurred when I overheard my mother talking about me.

When people met me for the first time, they would turn to my mom and say, "what a bright little girl you have here"; or "your daughter is very polite." And even though I was only standing a foot away from her -- or even beside her -- my mom never said, "thank you" or "yes, she is." She would instead clench her lips tightly against her teeth, shake her head, and frown. Then she would follow with something negative: she's lazy; she doesn't live up to her potential; if you only knew the real her. I never heard her say anything positive or even nice about me. Even though I am nearing my fortieth birthday this coming month, I still struggle with the negativity I received from her -- the one person who should have seen the real me. It seems I tried my entire adolescence and early twenties to prove how hard-working, special, and smart I really was.

But today, the mother of two sensitive children, I often think about this quote and how it felt to hear my mother object and disagree with great conviction when someone complemented me. It made me feel like crap, and I carry all the insults with me today, using them to justify my many bungles in life. I don't want my kids to be like that. I want them to hear only great things come out of my mouth when I speak about them. I want them to see the gleam in my eyes -- how much pride I feel for them, even if all they are doing is eating all their dinner. I want them to know -- and never question -- how much love I have for them -- how I feel it every moment -- when I get it right and even when I get it so incredibly wrong.

We live in a society where we feel that we shouldn't brag about our kids, so when someone says something nice about them, we deny the compliment as a way of being humble. We're not those braggart parents, oh, no! And then we follow the humility with proof of our children's imperfections by revealing to strangers our children's flaws -- they still wet their beds, they don't listen, they're terrible athletes, etc. But is all this humility worth your children hearing about their imperfections -- imperfections they are already so aware of, adding them to the list of what they cannot get right? No.

I'd rather look like the braggart mom -- and have no friends -- than to have my child hear me say he is lazy, or she has a bad attitude. Of course, I don't always get it right, but being aware is the first step. Raising an emotionally strong and stable child is so important today -- probably more than ever with the advent of advertising and technology and other media that define our children's gender and drive and ambitions. We must tell our girls and our boys that they are smart and strong and beautiful inside and out. And we must tell them all the time -- but I think it's even more important to them when they hear us say it to someone else. There is a sense of pride that comes with hearing someone say good things about you. Especially when they don't know that they are being heard.

So make sure to let your child overhear you say something positive about his skills, her abilities in math and technology, his poetry, her attitude, and so on. Brag on, and who cares what other parents think. They're bragging about their kids, too. Brag on, and brag loud, so that the kid whose every thought rests on your words knows exactly how you feel about her -- exactly what you think of him -- and let him use those positive words to identify his own strengths. If you brag about your children, they will believe you, and in turn, they will believe it themselves.

What has your child overheard you say about him?