The WM Parenting Connection

10 comments:

amanda said...

Hi Claire,in my humble opinion I do not think you are an over-protective mother,you are simply anxious,you are very much aware that your behaviour could be interpreted by others as "over-protectiveness",but I say to hell with what everybody else thinks,you are Ciaran's mother and it is nobody else's business,however,the only thing that would concern me is the transference of fear onto Ciaran,he naturally senses your fear and as a result thinks "Oh oh if mom is nervous,this mustn't be a good thing for me to do"
If I were you,and believe me I have been accusedd many times of being over-protective,I would give myself little pep talks before you go to a playground or somewhere you are nervous about with Ciaran,tell yourself that he is perfectly safe and is much more capable than you think..maybe bring a friend along to chat with while he is playing,you wouldn't be quite so focused on him,failing that bring a book,anything to help take you mind off possible dangers..it is extremely hard letting go and handing over the care and safety of our precious children to others,because it is true..NOBODY can mind your child like you do,but we have to trust. My 13 yr old daughter Gillian flies to Paris on Thursday morning and I won't rest until I see her back in her bed Sunday night,but I can't let her see how worried I am,I can't put that burden on her..
In saying all that,I think you are to be admired to be such a caring,protective mom,I have seen mother's barely look up when their child comes running to them after a fall in the playground..I recall being told I had to toughen up my children when they were Ciaran's age,but I was always on like you,I just learnt to hide it from them..and so far they are turning out to be very intelligent,capable,confident children...stop being so hard on yourself Claire,forget what other people think,just don't let Ciaran know you are so nervous..it will be fine.

February 20, 2011 6:08 AM

fortysomethingfirsttimemum said...

Words of wisdom Amanda! Thank you. I do go to the playground with a friend and her son of the same age and I chat away to her and let them play. However,out of the corner of my eye, I see he is much more cautious than his pal and won't go on some things. Sometimes he tries but stops half way and cries out that he is scared and I have to help him down. I think that IS because when we are on our own together, I do the nervous nellie thing. I AM worried about the transference of fear because I got this from my own Mum, with the result I didn't have kids, learn to swim or drive amongst many other things, until nearly forty and over! Gulp!

February 20, 2011 6:35 AM

Marina said...

Claire, my husband and I are overprotective parents -- it's a struggle for us and our kids because they see that other parents are not -- and they wonder why they don't have that kind of freedom. My daughter is three and I have to be where she is, especially when she's playing with other kids in our backyard -- why? Because I'm generally they only parent watching other people's kids, fearful that they will bully or walk all over my kids. As your son gets older, other people will piss you off because they're never around to watch their kids. I just had seven kids in my backyard, and there were no other parents around but me. You're a great mother -- and you should be protective. There are too many crazies out there -- and even if they're not, no one else has your kid's interests at heart -- no matter who they are. No one will care for and love your son as you do. Be protective, watch out for him, care for him -- and know that those who judge you are really judging themselves because they don't do what it takes to protect their own children. I love your posts -- makes me feel good to know there are great moms out there like you.

February 20, 2011 4:31 PM

carol said...

Carol May said: too many mothers go the other way and are leaving their kids all the time and often for whole days at nursery from a very young age, which I think is not good for either mum or kids. I loved being at home with my kids when they were little..., but the only peopel I left them with at any time were my own parents or my inlaws who I knew loved them so much they would look after them properly. BUT it was tough the first time! Until they were teenagers I was always within driving distance of them, but then they started going away on school trips, brownie pack holiday, scout camp etc. So you have to strike a balance or they will never want to venture out on these fun experiences. Even when my son went to Australia on his gap year he rang me every day until he was feeling more settled!! In fact he rang me 3 times between going through passport control and taking off in the plane!! BUt i loved the fact that he still needed me............... This is a tricky line to walk Claire - just do what you think is best at the time for all of you, and you will be fine.

February 21, 2011 9:16 AM

fortysomethingfirsttimemum said...

Thanks Marina and I am delighted you enjoy my posts too!

February 21, 2011 9:30 AM

fortysomethingfirsttimemum said...

Thanks for commenting Carol. It sounds like your son loves you very very much. I hope that I can do as good a job with mine!

February 21, 2011 9:31 AM

Deborah said...

Claire--interesting post, and interesting points you bring up. There actually ARE things that parents need to be cautious about, water being one of those. It's probably good to acknowledge your own fears, too, as to curb extra anxiety spilling over. Best to be aware of environment, and educate our children!

February 21, 2011 10:18 AM

Donna Perugini said...

Almost every first time mother is at least a little anxious. Your mother may have been fearful with you and set you up to be fearful too. Children are very sensitive and pick up on their parent's moods and feelings.

Start with one thing. Since he's in swimming lessons, talk with the teacher. That will help relieve your anxiety. Tell her that you're concerned when she turns her back as he sits on the side of the pool. Does she have a helper in the pool with her to watch them? By talking with her you may get some relief from your fears, and she may get the idea that there are parents who need to see her have more help in the pool near the children. It could be a 'win-win' situation.

February 21, 2011 1:10 PM

fortysomethingfirsttimemum said...

One thing I am good at is acknowledging my own fears Deborah! Tee Hee! The trick is not to be overwhelmed by them like I used to!
Yes, Donna. I think I will be doing that. She does have two helpers with her in the pool. They were busy with the other kids, whilst she was coaxing my little man and another little girl. Still, when she turned to speak to another passing instructor or to get equipment or water toys, my heart was literally in my mouth. My husband was there too so I know the chances of anything bad happening were small. I will talk more with the instructor this weekend.

February 22, 2011 12:59 PM

Angela Oldroyd said...

Interesting post. I think you're a lot like my husband, who's very protective of our daughter. We've never left her with anyone, apart from in creche for less than an hour at a time at church, but my husband tends to be always hovering over her when she's playing in case she hurts herself. I, however, tend to say that she needs to learn, particularly with us being older parents like yourself, who won't be around for her into her later life. I feel that I'd rather she learned by making her mistakes now, when we're around to guide her and if necessary pick up the pieces, than over-protect her now so that her rebellion comes later in life when we may not be here to help her.

It's a bit ironic, really, that my husband's much more protective than me, as he got into all the usual boyish scrapes, like climbing trees, when he was little, while I was much more timid: I've never climbed a tree or ridden a bike, and I'm still a bit nervous of slides. Maybe that's why - he's more aware of the risks out there, while I don't want her to end up as nervous as me!

February 26, 2011 3:58 PM