The WM Parenting Connection

By Maria Rainier

Although one supposes that there are calories to be burned in chasing after mess-making kids with a damp washcloth and spray bottle, this is not the most productive, proactive, or sane lifestyle for parents. Here are rather simple, even obvious reasons for you to excuse yourself from dropping everything you’re doing every time the kids make a mess of the house (which, let’s face it, is incalculable).

1. Even if you clean it up, they’re going to mess the house up, anyway.

2. You have other work to do, like grocery list and meal planning, trying to find ways to get out of debt, keeping in touch with your folks, etc.

3. They’re going to mess the house up, anyway, again.

4. Eventually, you’ll begin to grow frustrated at having your daily to-dos interrupted and you’ll harbor resentment toward your kids, who are really just being kids. You may, in your frustration and resentment, raise your voice at them or punish them for reasons or in ways kids don’t fully understand.

5. And then they’ll mess the house up anyway, again.

Rather than chasing after the kids, picking up toys, mopping up messes, and trying not to hide in the closet screaming at the top of your lungs, here’s a novel idea: don’t clean up. At least, not immediately. Unless the mess made will cause a permanent stain—say, ketchup in the carpet—leave the mess be until a pre-dinner cleanup. This shouldn’t be your duty alone. Involve the kids by playing some music—some good old Frank Sinatra or French jazz should do the trick—and make a game of cleaning up the house.

One possible rule to implement to make this final cleanup easier is to have a designated toy room in which all toys must stay. The one exception to this rule is that each child is allowed up to three items to bring into the common room to play, but no more than three toys per child at any time. This way (if everything goes as planned, which, let’s face it, it rarely does), fewer toys will need to be returned to the playroom at the end of the day.

Of course, this still means that every time you hear a ruckus, you’ll have to take a peek at what the kids are up to. Remember, though, unless the mess could become permanent, save the cleaning for later so the kids can pitch in. As they grow older, teach them the value of initiative and have them clean up their own messes as soon they occur. For the time being, however, you have meals to plan and debt to solve.


About the Author

Maria Rainier is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She is currently a resident blogger at First in Education, where recently she's been researching different online social work degrees and blogging about student life. In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.

Guest Post: 5 Reasons Not To Spend Your Day Cleaning Up After the Kids (and 1 Solution)

by Marina DelVecchio

Parenting has been the most difficult thing I have ever attempted. Before becoming a mother, I only had to fend for myself. I worked two jobs, took 21 credits of undergraduate and graduate classes, was forced to contend with a critical and overbearing mother, and assumed the responsibilities of being a big buddy for homeless kids once a week. All of this made me strong and confident, but only in these areas. I can teach a classroom of demanding and indifferent high school kids and I can teach a class of adults with minimal skills in writing and reading skills, but parenting is still harder than all of my experiences put together. My life up until parenting was comprised of me fending for myself, struggling for success and securing a future for me -- Before my kids, it was all about me looking out for me. Parenting requires me to give parts of myself that I never had to give to anyone outside of me. Parenting demands I give up and give in, and conquer demons I'd rather keep hidden. This year, instead of resolving to lose weight and go to the gym and write more, I resolve to giving the parts of myself that are most difficult to surrender to others...parts of me that had never been mothered themselves.

For 2011, I resolve to:

1. Play More: It may sound strange, but I don't know how to play. I never played as a child. The first eight years of my life were overwhelmed with surviving homelessness, poverty, abusive parents, being abandoned in an orphanage, adoption, and taking care of my little sister, who was four years younger than me. There was no place for play, and therefore, I don't know how to play. I don't feel secure playing. And when my kids ask me to play with them, something crazy stirs up inside me -- I feel constricted, choking on inarticulate emotions that are inexplicable to me. I cannot do it -- I freeze. Instead, I tell them to play, and I wait for their dad to come home and play with them while I take pictures. I love to watch them play. So I resolve to play more this year -- not a lot, but I will try. And I will do it for them.

2. Participate More: My mind is filled with what I'm not, what I haven't achieved, what I have yet to accomplish, and I spend most of my time in my thoughts instead of with those that breathe beside me. In 2011, I will try to spend more time outside of my thoughts, and more time with my kids. I want to be present -- laughing, loving, and dancing with those that make a difference in my life.

3. Laugh More: I don't laugh a lot, and yet, I love to laugh. It feels like a welcome relief to laugh, and I love to watch my kids laugh, rolling on the floor in hysterics. It brings a smile to my lips, but never a laugh. I want my kids to remember me as a woman that laughed, her whole body shaking with merriment. And that is not how they know me now. Here's to more mommy giggles for the New Year.

4. Escape Less: I tend to escape a lot -- in my writing, in my thoughts, in movies and television shows. Wherever I can find an escape, I manage to discover it. The truth is that my kids will not be young like this forever, and I do not want to regret escaping their younger years -- for this is what is happening. While I escape from my own disappointments and fears, I am also escaping, or missing out on their youth -- on this wonderful time in their lives that will be irretrievable once they get older.

New Year's Mommy Resolutions Towards Healthier Parenting

It's that time of year again, parents! Time to spit out that curdling eggnog, man yourself with a labeling gun, and get with that parental perfection program you've been slacking off on! That's right, it's almost January 1st, that wonderful time of year when fitness, organizational, and parenting gurus tell you to get your act together...because unsolicited advice shouldn't just come from your own parents or in-laws anymore!


Hmm...is it just me, or does the unslaught of "resolve" feel a bit like a second wind of marketers trying to sell you more stuff, just as you're tripping over a barrage of newly aquired toys and crying over your Mastercard bill? This whole New Year's Resolution business can feel like being kicked while you're down--similar to how I felt after giving birth. (I just spent 10 hours in labor, and now instead of sleeping for a week, I have to get up every two hours and breastfeed? What?!)

That's why I make my resolutions in the fall, when the sun's still shining more that 8 hours a day, my kids are off to school in fresh new clothes, and I still have some color. (Good for the gym.)

But we've been asked to share our parenting resolutions, so I'll give it a shot. And since fall, I should be much older and wiser. So here goes:

1. Be more consistant with my children. I'm going to admit it: I'm not sure what the best kind of parenting is. Empathetic? Love & Logic? Free-Range? Iron Fisted? I'm not sure, but I have this gut feeling, that however one parents, it should be consistant. When I get tired or feel rushed, that's when emotion (umm...whining, yelling or complaining) or inconsistancy (err...read: pushover) come into play. Things I know I should do--have my toddler pick-up toys, re-direct bossy requests into polite ones--can get inconsistant. I need to keep a good handle on such things so my children know what to expect.


2. Volunteer for my daughter's activities. We may have over-scheduled her too much this fall; by days end, my first grader can seem especially tired or needy. I'm aiming to spend some time in her classroom or with her Daisy Scout troop, so the hands-on stuff can happen in the context of her daytime life.

3. Plan date-nights. Even if they're on the cheap or simple (though my hubby knows I like to dress up.) Because the husband-wife thing is important. Because it's not all about the kids. Because all work and no play makes mommy only a mommy, and a frazzled, shlumply feeling, martying sort of creature, and that's no good. Besides, my grandparents (still kicking at 89 & 91) give me two crisp Benjamins each Christmas, and that's the closest he'll ever get to a threesome.



Happy New Year, all!

New Year's Resolve

Grade School Kids Guru

So the kids and I are one day into winter break. Overall a good day, broken up with what I’m going to call “squawky moments.” You know, the moments when your children act like crows in the backyard, squawking at each other for reasons that only make sense to them!

Our winter vacation lasts two weeks - in my opinion about one week too long. For all intents and purposes, the last week of school starts the holiday: Parties, pajama days. So by the time I get them, they’re completely filled with visions of sugar plums. Actually, they’re just filled with sugar.

Now they’re mine, all mine for 14 days. And unlike this past month at school, I can’t promise a party every day. The countdown to Santa’s visit is on, and in the days after Christmas we’ll be enjoying the gifts left under the tree and anticipating the New Year’s arrival. In between, here’s my approach to spending time with the crows – oops! – kids, in an effort to keep the squawking at a minimum.

• Coordinate playdates: Playdates are just as important for parents as they are for kids.
• Relax the rules – just a bit: Yesterday my son and daughter enjoyed a double movie day, complete with popcorn for the first feature and chocolate chip cookies for the second. Too much television and junk food for one day? Perhaps. But one day doesn’t a routine make.
• Visit the library: I love libraries! A showcase of books, a completely free outing. Sign me up!
• Head for the outdoors: Okay, living in the warmer southeast climate makes this idea a bit easier; but, even if I still lived in the northeast, my kids and I would bundle up and get outside. Go for a walk, even if it’s just around the block.
• Get crafty: I’m hoping by next week my kids will have forgotten the millions of school crafts completed between Thanksgiving and Christmas. The Dollar Store and Michael’s have great inexpensive crafts that should keep everyone busy for at least an hour!
• Put the (puzzle) pieces together: Puzzles and board games are becoming a holiday tradition for us. I already know Santa’s giving some of each.

But at the top of my list is to relax, have fun, and not sweat the small stuff. Not enjoying time with your kids during the holidays? Well, that’s for the birds!

Breaking up the Winter Break

Parenting New Year's Resolutions for 2011

by Kelli Robinson

Saying goodbye to a beloved pet is tough. But I believe having to explain this to your children is going to be even tougher.

Our dog Guinness, who has been a faithful friend for nine years, has cancer that is reaching the end stages. The diagnosis was very recent (last week); but, his health has been deteriorating over a year, and a visit to a veterinary internal medicine specialist confirmed the reason why. And while his prognosis was one to three months, Guinness is giving us signals indicating his quality of life is rapidly decreasing.

What a gift that pet owners have the ability to spare their furry family members pain and suffering. My husband and I have made the decision that it is time to say goodbye. You reach a point when you start questioning why you’re hanging on. When the answer clearly is not for the pet’s sake, it’s time. We’ve been crying for days.
But now comes the difficult task of explaining to our kids what is going on and what’s very soon going to happen. They are already suspicious. “When can we take Guinness back to the vet to get medicine for him?” “When will they know what’s wrong with him so they can make him better?” I’ve answered the questions as best I can with a lump in my throat.

The kids deserve the opportunity to say goodbye. I recall my mom taking me to a friend’s house for a few hours one day. When she returned to pick me up, her shirt was covered in dog hair and her eyes were red. I just knew that our dog was gone before she even told me that he died. I don’t blame her for not telling me, she had my best interests in mind; but, I wish I’d had the chance to give him one last hug.
Our plan is to gently tell the kids today that Guinness has cancer, and he can’t get better. And daddy and I will be taking him to the vet on Friday, but he won’t be coming home with us. What we can do for him is enjoy these moments with him, give him lots of hugs and kisses, and recall fond memories.

That’s the plan so far. Their reaction and questions will guide what comes next. What is a child’s concept of death at age 5 and 8? I believe the age difference is going to have an effect on how they process this moment.

I tend to look at the world through poetic eyes, and my eyes saw two things this week that confirmed it’s time to say goodbye. On Sunday we had a heavy rain downpour. And then suddenly the skies cleared during the rain and two full double rainbows appeared. Two beautiful bright double rainbows. Was this a sign from above welcoming Guinness when we’re ready to let go?

The second sign is our cat Sienna, a 10 year old calico who spends most of her time hiding under the couch upstairs. She’s been spending a lot of time with us, walking up to Guinness’ bed and gently sniffing him. They say animals can literally sense major changes.

How ironic that this is the gift giving time of year. I’m still at the point that I feel like something precious is being taken away, and one of the best gifts my kids have enjoyed all of their lives won’t be here on Christmas Day. But the greatest gift with pets is the fun times you get to spend with them. And my hope is to recall many of them over these next days to help my son and daughter recall the good times. Memories and time are the best cures for a heartache.

Saying goodbye to a beloved pet is tough.

You Eat It, You Clean It: You are responsible for your own space at the eating table. Your plates, your glsses, your napkins -- they are your responsibility. When you are done eating, you clean up your space; no one will do it for you. Give the leftover crumbs to the dog, throw out napkins, and place utensils, glasses, and plates in designated areas in the dishwasher -- not the sink. Return to your place at the table and wipe your spot with a towel.

You Spill It, You Wipe It: Whatever you spill, you drop -- you clean. The lesson here is to take responsibility for one's own mess. No one will pick up after you in life, and it's better to learn this now. Therefore, have them wipe up crumbs underneath the table after they eat with a small brush and scooper and deposit the dregs into the garbage. They eat candy, or snacks, the wrappings go to the garbage. Crumbs left behind are each individual's responsibility. This includes the sink after they brush their teeth -- teach them to wipe and rinse the remaining toothpaste that is left behind in the sink, place their toothbrushes in the appropriate containers, and toss their washcloths into the hamper.

You Sleep In It, You Make It: Kids should be making their own beds every morning. It's not that difficult -- don't ask them to tuck the sheets under the mattress or aim for perfect corners; just make sure they straighten out their pillows, throw their pajamas in the hamper, and pull the comforter over the bed, pulling here and there until the sheets are concealed. Before you know it, they will do it without thinking twice. My daughter reminds me that she has to make her bed, and we do it together. She's always very pleased with herself.

You Play With It, You Stay With It: Whatever toys you take out and play with, you must put them back before moving on to a next toy, or another game. If kids come over for play dates, make sure they know your rules because the most unfair predicament to put your child into is to force them to pick up the mess other kids have left behind. Remind your kids before a play date to remind their friends that we help one another clean up after playtime at our house. I have even been known to call neighbor friends and ask them to return to help my kids clean up. You know the mess that is left behind after a play date, and if I don't like cleaning up after my own kids' messes, there's no way I am cleaning up after a kid that's not my own.

Your Room, Your Broom: Each child is responsible for his/her room. No matter how young your kids are, this lesson should be learned early on. Your room is your haven, and it is your responsibility to keep it presentable and a place that you want to return to day after day. The bed is made every morning, dirty clothes go in the hamper, clean ones are folded and placed in the drawers, shoes are in the closet, etc. It's a good way to foster daily maintenance of the home, so that personal messes don't ever get out of control and beyond what they can accomplish without feeling overwhelmed.

You Wear It, You Wash It: Laundry is a fun affair in my family. My laundry room is downstairs, so my husband carries the hampers (three all together) to the top of the railing that looks down into our hallway; my daughter and I collect the dirty clothes and throw them over the railing; my husband and son pick up the clothes and carry them to the laundry room. With adult supervision, the kids sort the clothes according to color, they take turns dumping the clothes into the washing machine, pouring in the soap and pushing the right buttons. When it's time, they take turns doing the same with the dryer. Although I do the folding, they put their own clothes away.

A Family that Cleans Together, Grows Together: This one involves picking one day a month or every two weeks, preferably a Saturday or Sunday in which the entire family cleans the entire house. My kids loves dusting, as I did when I was younger, and while my husband and I spray counters, the kids wipe them. Today, my seven-year-old vaccumed the entire upstairs, and I didn't even have to ask him. We were each involved in cleaning the house, and I didn't lose my mind, yell, or feel overwhelmed with having to clean a house we all share. And the fact that everyone in the household is participating, deosn't leave room for resistance or whining. It's a family affair.

These rules can be fine-tuned, but in essence, the message is clear: cleaning a home should not be women's work only, especially when the women already have full-time jobs. Cleaning a home should be the responsibility of everyone living in it, and if we start teaching our kids and our husbands to pick up after themselves and take responsibility for the mess that surrounds them, then the work is minimized. Lessons need to be taught, and there is nothing wrong in teaching children personal responsibility as early as possible.

Cleaning: A Family Affair

Where My Heart Is

There are people on your holiday shopping list for whom it’s very difficult to find the perfect gift: The grandparents who have everything, the office co-worker whom you really don’t know…and your child’s school teacher. Finding a present that reflects appreciation from twenty different kids, for a person you’ve likely only known for three months is tricky, but not impossible.

I recently spoke to a few teachers and found many common themes. Teachers truly enjoy all gifts they receive, but gift cards are especially popular. Stores such as Target, Michael’s, and Barnes and Noble were frequently mentioned as places from which gift cards make great gifts.

Some parents may think that veteran teachers grow tired of homemade gifts; but, many say that’s not true. One of my friends still has a ruler that was given to her from a student almost ten years ago. He came from a lower income family and was observing other kids giving her gifts, so he wrapped a ruler that had been in his desk and gave it to her. It was important to him, so it was a special gift.

Shopping for teacher gifts really isn’t much different than shopping for friends and family. Look for clues. Pay attention to their personality and interests. Does she drink coffee or tea? Is he an outdoorsman or enjoy sports? If you don’t know, ask other teachers. Many teachers list a biography on their websites where they talk about their hobbies. Recognize that every teacher is different. And know that at the end of the day, as with all gifts, it’s the thought that counts.

Here are some other tips for teacher gifts:
• A donation in their name. If a teacher is an animal lover, consider a donation to an animal shelter in their name. A teacher who has a son or daughter serving in the military may appreciate their class sending care packages sent to troops overseas.
• Magazine subscriptions. Magazines such as “Family Fun” offer insightful articles and great craft ideas. Or, subscribe to a magazine that taps into their out-of-classroom personality.
• Homemade desserts. Does your family serve ethnic holiday cookies? Do you have recipe passed down from your great-grandmother? Why not share the delicacies with your teachers?
• Homemade presents from the class. If you’re considering a gift that involves your child’s hand or fingerprints, consider a collective class-sized fingerprint display. It will be more meaningful.
• Useful items. Serving bowls, for example, are often in need. Decorate a pottery bowl with your class fingerprints, and you’ve got a useful item that has meaning.
• The simpler the better. Very often a cup of coffee paired with a muffin and a holiday card on the last day of school before winter break brings a smile to any teacher’s face.

What creative gifts have you given to your child's teachers over the years?

'Tis the season for teacher gifts!

By D. Pecis

Last night, after running out to the store to pick up my Christmas cards--and a few other things--I had just set my head on the pillow and I remembered: Oh, my blog! So I lay there and wrote it in my head, deciding it would have to be a sort of short and sweet entry. (I guess, as much as I try, I'm not any more organized during the holiday season than other times.)

Getting together the toys, lights, cards, tree, decoration, etc., can be stressful for many parents. But my children are young enough to still approach the holidays with a refreshing innocence--as well and some budding critical thinking--and their comments have been totally enduring.

Here are some of my favorites so far:

1. My husband's birthday is on the 24th, something my daughter is just beginning to grasp as significant. When I joked that maybe he might not get any gifts for Christmas since he'd get some for his birthday, she reflected upon this for a moment, then said, "Well, we'll have to hide all his birthday gifts, then." It took me a second to realize that she meant hide them from Santa, but once I understood her logic, I kind of loved it.

2. Every time I ask my son what we should get Dad for a Christmas gift, he answers, without fail, "A screwdriver."

3. One of the questions I've fielded from my daughter regarding Santa..."Why is Santa fat?" Hmm...with childhood obesity on the rise, shouldn't the ol' guy slim down?

4. Another question I've fielded from my daughter...Who was born first, Jesus or Santa? (For the record, I answered Jesus.)

5. On the Jesus note, my only religious decoration is a tiny baby Jesus in a manger. I set it up by a gingerbread cookie jar, along with a Mr. and Mrs. Snowman salt-and-pepper set. "Some people have shepards or angels who watch the baby Jesus," I told my daugther. "Ours is watched by snowmen." I let my daughter set them up. I typically have the snow couple face outward; my daughter positioned them on either side of the manger, looking directly at the baby. I haven't adjusted it.

6. My son's preschool class made gingerbread, and the kids all got to taste some. The teacher reports that some kids liked it, some hated it. The insuing conversation among pre-schoolers involved discussing wether or not Santa would like it, or get sick.

7. Both my kids loved decorating the tree this year. Each year, I've purchased an ornament for each child. I'm kind of a cheapskape, yet I've most years gotten something at Hallmark. Last year I cringed a bit and wondered it I was crazy to spend 30 buck or so on a mere two ornaments. But this year, my son declared his Thomas and Friends ornament "The best ornament in the whole, wide, world!" and hugged and thanked his Dad and me. Hallmark will so continue to get my money.

What wonderful things have come from the mouths of babes in your home?

From the Mouths of Babes

Holiday Traditions

by Claire Hegarty

If there's one figure of speech I really cannot stand, it's 'there's nothing worse'.  I hate to hear this phrase being uttered by anyone because there is always something worse than what they were going to talk about.

We have had unusual levels of snowfall here in Ireland, especially so early in the year.  In the park, the other day a woman said to me 'there's nothing worse than having to take your kids out into the cold cold snow especially when they keep pestering you'.  I was tempted to say that there were plenty of worse things like not having any kids to take out, like having kids who are unable to pester you to go out but I just smiled and let it go.

Someone else mentioned that there's nothing worse than not being able to drive to the shops on the cold and icy streets. I was tempted to say that there are plenty of worse things like being homeless and having to sleep in a wrecked car or sleep on those cold and icy streets.

As I sit here, writing this, (and forgive me for using a phrase I hate) I am thinking that there's nothing worse than being unaware of the blessings that we have in life.

There's nothing worse...

by Kelli Robinson - Grade School Guru!

Happy December everyone! My kids started writing their letters to Santa this week. Figured I would write mine. But I have a feeling it's got quite a different tone than their's does! What would you like Santa to bring you this year?
____________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Santa,

Hopefully you’re having a wonderful holiday season. Me? I’m drowning in to-do lists. And the number of people I’m responsible for pales in comparison to your dependents (the entire world). I don’t know how you do it.

My reason for writing concerns my son’s wish list of presents he’d love to find under the tree on Christmas morning. Santa, we have a problem.

What happens when many items on his list are not on my list? You know, the “Mommy Can’t Fathom Having These Items In Her House” list. What happens when my letter to you, highlighting my Christmas wishes, contains only one request: “For the love God, please do not bring my son a (fill in the blank)?”

For example, he’s asking you for a drum set. Now apparently you possess the ability to watch these kids all year, which means you’ve seen this kid in action. All of his energetic, limbs-flying, body-jumping, voice-raising action. You’ve heard my husband and I ask him to use his inside voice, take it down a notch, stop yelling, etc. All the parentspeak euphemisms for “BE QUIET!” I ask you, should such a child own a drum set? Yes, he’s been good, but need he be rewarded with a gift that will send his parents into nail-biting, hair-pulling, eye-rolling fits that end with hiding the drum sticks in the freezer?

I didn’t think so.

Every birthday and Christmas for the past two years, he's asked for a digital camera. When he was five, I dismissed the idea entirely. But since his interest hasn’t waned, I’m giving the thumbs up, but not without hesitation. After all, I’m still learning the nuances of my camera. And we’re talking about the boisterous boy who spends most of his time playing outside. Will we be inundated with pictures of his friend’s jump shot, or close ups of ants on the driveway?

But digital cameras are the Polaroid cameras of the 21st century. I had a Polaroid when I was a child, and snapped 300 pictures of my dolls and pets. Like Polaroids, digital cameras will someday become extinct dinosaurs. But they’re very much alive now and very kid-friendly, akin to erasable crayons and washable markers. So should you choose to bring him one, it will be welcomed with a smile on his face and mine.

The drum set? All I can say is the only drum sticks I ever plan to stash in my freezer are the edible kind. You visit once a year at night when he’s sleeping. I experience him every single day. Thanks for understanding!

A mommy's letter to Santa