The WM Parenting Connection

By Denise Bertacchi

How I Became a Stay at Home Mom

By Stacey Celaya

As long as I can remember I have juggled many things at one time. Being a single parent teaches you how to juggle. The longer you are a single parent the more you hone that skill. Me? I am the master juggler. I have many balls that I am responsible for keeping up in the air. It is a very delicate balance and although I have been successful at keeping those balls airborne for many years I always feel like the slightest disturbance in the air could cause me to drop every last one of them.

The problem is that I think there is a disturbance in the air and I am struggling to keep all those balls in motion and you will never guess what that disturbance is. Believe it or not, it is my husband.

I am a fourth year nursing student and for the first three years I went to school full time, handled all four kids, the house, the dog, the bills, whatever – on my own. The first year I was in school full time Rico was in Iraq, the second year he was stationed in Florida while we lived in North Carolina, the third year he was in Iraq again. This year he is home. Yes, he is stationed 80 miles away and comes home mostly on the weekends but he is still here. I am trying to learn how to work him into my juggling act and feeling like I am failing miserably. He is the “X” factor. I can be the student, the mother, the sister, the daughter, the friend and the homemaker all at the same time. How on earth do I add “wife” into that mix?

I have tons of homework on a daily basis, I have lots of clinical hours that need to be filled and of course I have the kids that need to be looked after and taken where they need to be when they have somewhere to go or something to do. Many times I don’t have time to make dinner. My kids have adapted well and are great at fending for themselves three or four nights a week during the semester. I make a point to buy healthy food that they can prepare themselves and they are good at it. I also do not have time to make sure my house is spotless on a daily basis. It is frustrating to argue with the kids when things aren’t done right and they know that I am preoccupied with homework and projects and patients and they often take advantage of that – and on the days I have a light school schedule we make up for lost time and get things in order.

But I have spoiled my husband. Because he has not been home on a consistent basis I cater to him when he is here. I don’t like for him to come home to an unkempt house because I feel like he should be able to come home and relax and not be stressed about what isn’t done. I always cook for him and make him a priority.

Right now doing those things is causing me to nearly drop my delicately balanced balls. He is on leave this week and next and although he KNOWS that I am swamped he doesn’t UNDERSTAND that I am swamped. I have never let him see me struggle to keep things together. But the truth is I AM struggling.

The thing is that I was raised not being allowed to use the word “can’t”. As kids we couldn’t use that word, we were ignored if we did until we found an alternative way of saying what we thought we couldn’t do. Now this is a great thing – because I never said “can’t”, it never occurs to me that I might not be able to do something. The bad thing is that when there is something that I am unable to do I get very frustrated with myself and am unable to understand why. So not allowing my husband to see me struggle is part of that mentality. Being deployed or stationed elsewhere is hard enough without worrying that I can’t handle things – so I have never let him see me struggle.

How do I work him in? How do I keep all those beautifully balanced balls rotating in the air?
Honesty is how I do it. I have to be honest with myself and admit that I cannot do everything by myself and that it isn’t a failure and doesn’t make me less of a wife or mother. I have to be honest with my husband and let him see that I am only human and not a one woman show. I have to take the biggest lesson I ever learned from single parenthood and apply it to my life now – I have to accept that it is ok to need help and to ask for that help.

I guess I have to do what I have always done…I need to put on my big girl panties, become the Nike girl and Just Do IT.

To Juggle Or Not To Juggle, That Is the Question

By Michael Horvath

I realize that not everyone is a sports fan so let me lead this off by giving an explanation of my title. One of the positions on a basketball team is called the "point guard". He handles the ball and runs the show for the most part. And on every sports team there are players who "start" the games off and most times play the majority of minutes. Well in basketball there are times when a player gets tired or something happens when they need a break or maybe the "starter" is off their game. Hey, we all have our off days. That's when the "back-up" player comes in and does his part.

When it comes to being a step-parent, or in my case, Pseudo-Dad, you have an important role on the team. They say there should be a manual for being a parent, well y'know, there ain't no manual for us either. When it comes to decision making for the kids that aren't our own by blood or when giving input to the parent who generally handle the situations that arise, well at times it can make us hesitate. Should I say anything or shouldn't I? Is this a boundary I can cross or not? Is there a boundary at all? It can be confusing.

In truth, there are many factors that go into this that need to be considered. There are also alot of categories that fit under decision making like: discipline, schools, dress, expectations, religion/spirituality, and much more. It can be difficult enough for two biological parents who are together. Being the step-parent has it's own challenges.

Things to consider as a Step-parent:

Is the biological parent sharing duties with their ex or doing it alone?

Does your parenting style fit closely in philosophy with your significant other?

Is the child living with you or the other biological parent?

There's so much more too.

Just like my post on "Meeting The Girl", I recommend taking it slow. These people have lived without you in their lives for quite some time and survived. No need to come in and try to rescue or take over. I doubt that would be too well received anyway.

What you can do is make your thoughts and feelings known and then back off. If they want more input from you they will ask. This will be appreciated. I have done this often and it worked for me. I will give a personal example here:

Djuanna and her ex had discussed for years about having Tyler live with her Dad for her high school years. Loving Ty as I do I made it known that whatever was decided was okay with me. After all, I want what is best for her. I also made it clear to Djuanna that I wanted Tyler to stay with us. Then I let it go. My message was clear: I loved Tyler and she was not only welcome but desired. On the flip side I respected whatever Djuanna and her ex decided to do and I supported them in their decision. They are the parents, I am not. I am there to support. I am part of the team.

The other part of this is that the ex is remarried so there is a Stepmom on the other side. What I see from her is that she runs things by Djuanna when there are questions about handling situations there. Although she has her own kids she realizes that Djuanna is still Tyler's mom. They collaborate. Stepmom is part of the team and fills in. (Oh I feel sorry for the boys who are in Tyler's future. They will get to meet a large Army Officer who carries a service revolver AND/OR a large tattooed dude who can look like he just got off his motorcycle who are "collaborating" on handling Tyler's "dates" lol)

As a Pseudo-Dad I don't have to enter the parenting game and be the superstar. I just need to be there to make sure things don't drop off when I enter the game. Sometimes I can take over and lead the way. Sometimes I just stay on the bench and cheer. Most times I get in there for a bit, play my role and support the team.

Back Up Point Guard

by Jennifer Fulks

After reading Alyssa’s article last week, “Oh No You Didn’t”, I was reminded of the many things my kids have done that I had done when I was their age. The first one that sprang to my mind was the time my youngest daughter snuck out of the house.


When Ashley was about 14 years old, I got a call from a woman who had said, I just thought you might like to know you daughter was at a party at my house in the middle of the night a couple of nights ago. Of course my first thought was NO WAY, not MY daughter!

Ashley had been sitting with me when I got the call. I looked her straight I the eye and asked her point blank “Did you sneak out of the house Friday night?” She looked me straight in the eye and said “No!” This had never happened before that I was aware of so I had no reason not to believe her. The woman insisted it was her and wanted to meet with me and the other parents. Ashley and I got into the car and headed over to the woman’s house.

When we arrived the only people there were the mother of the boy who had the party, and the father of two other boys, the other girls and their parents were not there. The mother explained that while she was working an overnight shift her son decided to have a party and a mirror in her house was broken during the party. At this point I asked my daughter again, “Were you at this party?” Again she told me “no,” even though all the boys there were saying she had been and that she was also making out with one of the two brothers.

I thanked the two parents that were there and got up to leave. The father of the two boys stood up and asked me what I was going to do. I replied “what do you mean?” He says, “What are you going to do about your daughter sneaking out?” I said “I believe that is between me and my husband and daughter.” The man kept blocking my way out and asking me what I was going to do. I pushed past him and we left. I’m not really sure why he felt the need to know how I was going to punish my daughter, all I know is the parents of these boys were acting as though it was my daughter’s fault that one of the boys had a party.

On the drive back to our house I told my daughter all these people are placing her at this party and she needed to fess up and be honest with me. She ended up telling me that yes she had snuck out and yes she went to this party and yes she made out with one of the boys. My response to her was to give her a high five! I know what you are thinking “WHAT WAS SHE THINKING!!!”

I gave my daughter a high five because I knew at some point she was going to try this stunt. I myself had snuck out as a teen more times than I can count. Now her actions did not go unpunished, but I wanted her to know that I remembered what it was like to be a teenager and how easy it is to give into peer pressure. It happens.

As punishment her father and I removed the door to her bedroom. You would not believe what an effective form of punishment this is. The message to her: If you are going to betray our trust, if you are going to lie about things, you do not deserve privacy. Privacy means we trust you, no trust=no privacy. We also took her cell phone from her and “cancelled” the rest of her summer which was about three weeks. When school was back in session we did return her door to its place.

Here’s the thing, our kids need to know that we mean business when it comes to discipline and punishment, but they also need to know that we are not out of touch with reality. We really do understand what it’s like to be in their shoes. So many parents make the mistake of acting as though they are above the things teenagers do. We have to remember that this is a time of learning; it’s a time of testing the waters and testing the limits. While we, as parents, are still the enforcers, we should also be compassionate and fair in how we handle difficult situations with our teens. They are not dumb; they know we are not perfect and that we made mistakes as teenagers too, but when we act as though we never did it really brings down the level of respect our children have for us. There is nothing wrong with letting our children known we are human too.

Keep it Real!

By Angela Atkinson

As I may have mentioned before, I'm the mother of three amazing kids--one of whom is getting ready to embark on that wonderful journey we call "The Teen Years." While girls are statistically slightly more likely to have social networking accounts (like Facebook and MySpace), my son joined the social networking "club" this year on his twelfth birthday.

We have rules at our house about Internet use. First and foremost, our kids computer lives in the middle of our house, right in the main living area. This way, we can always see what they're doing. Plus, thanks to my husband's mad IT networking skills, we can also access their computer from his or mine.

The kids have time limits and there are certain sites and activities we allow. We keep tabs on their Internet use, and we make no bones about it. We don't even PRETEND that they have privacy when it comes to the Internet.

Maybe this makes us slightly gestapo-ish, but we don't care. And guess what? Our kids don't care either--even the 12 year old. He knows what to expect, and simply KNOWING that you're watching will be enough to keep most kids honest.

But it's far more serious than that. The fact is, keeping an eye on your kids' internet activity isn't about having control--it's about keeping your kids safe. We've all heard about Internet predators, and each of us has heard at least one tragic story about their effects on our youth. In my house, we take the proactive approach because we don't want our children to become one of those stories.

Why It Matters

 A study commissioned by the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children found that 71 percent of kids receive unsolicited messages or attention from people they don't know when they're online. And, the study found, 14 percent of these kids have actually met at least one person face-to-face who they only previously knew through the Internet. Another 30 percent admit to considering meeting an online friend in person, and nearly half have been asked for personal information by someone they don't know in real life.

Then there's the scariest fact of all--while 40 percent of kids and teens admit that they would chat with an unknown online person, only 18 percent say they'll share that information with their parents. One in five teens think it's safe to share personal information on their blogs or networking sites. Nearly 40 percent say that they're unconcerned  with the idea that someone could use the information against them.

What Kids Think

So, can't we simply educate our kids? Of course we can, and we should. But that may not completely eliminate the danger. Consider the fact that most kids think their parents don't know what they're talking about, especially teens and tweens.

Tweens and teens today think the 80's and 90's were "the old days" and their parents who grew up in those decades are "out of the loop" when it comes to the Internet--even kids like mine who have two parents who grew up with it and are quite savvy, thank you very much.

In fact, 33 percent of 13 to 17 year olds and 48 percent of 16 and 17 year olds say their parents have no clue what they're doing online, and 22 percent say their parents have never even discussed Internet safety with them.

What You Can Do

1. Put the computer your kids use in a central location of the home. Do not put internet connections in their bedrooms or allow wireless laptops in their rooms for Internet use.

2. Tell your kids, in no uncertain terms, that you WILL be watching their Internet use, and establish appropriate consequences for violations of your rules. If they don't follow the rules, they don't get to use the Internet. Plain and simple.

3. Consider buying and installing kid monitoring software. Alternatively, use a reputable free software service like McGruff Safeguard, which is sponsored by The National Crime Prevention Council.

4. Limit the amount of time your kids spend online (outside of homework.) Set standard rules and stick to them.

5. Educate your children about the dangers of the Internet. Check out the FBI's Internet Safety page for kids to help you get started.

What steps have you taken to keep your kids safe online?


Watch for Next Week's Post: Signs your child is being targeted by an Internet predator



Image Credit: Dave Di Biase

Blatant Privacy Invasion: The Best Way to Keep Your Kids Safe Online

After that day, we went about 8 months before my son peed in the toilet again. It took a loooonnnngg 1 1/2 year battle of trying to potty train him. It would go great (in spurts) and then he would regress and not use the toilet again for months. And pooping in the potty, that was a whole other story. He was perfectly content sitting in dirty pants. He would continue though out his day like nothing had happened.

Where'd I Go Wrong?

Looking back at it now, I realize I made many mistakes. Being the new parent I was, I was eager to show how easy potty training really was. I had heard there were signs that children showed to tell when they were ready to potty train. I ignored all those signs. I began potty training him way before he was ready, and I think that was a large portion of our struggle. All the books claimed you needed to start potty training when the child was 18 months old, so that is what I did. I now realize my eagerness was my own mistake.

Now that it's coming time to potty train my younger son Alix, I am learning from my mistakes. I am waiting for him to tell me and show me he is ready instead of pushing him to be ready. He is about to turn three and just about to the point he wants to be out of diapers and on his road to independence. He is to the point now he likes the idea of being a "big boy".

I am taking the route more of encouraging potty training instead of enforcing it this time around. So far it seems to be working well. Although he is far from being completely ready to toss the diapers and pull ups, he is making great strides towards the goal. And maybe by the time this baby is ready to potty train, I will be a pro!

The biggest lesson I learned was that kids really do have to set the potty training pace. You can not go off of what a book says. Every child is different and no one knows your child better than you. It's important to know when your child is ready and not push them to potty train before hand or you will be in for a long up hill battle.

Today marks the start of my Potty Training Madness series. Next week, I will cover the signs that your child is ready. The following weeks will include tips to use for potty training both boys and girls.

Feel free to share your potty training story below. Potty training is a difficult time, and I guarantee you, you are not alone in your struggles.

Potty Training Madness!: My Potty Training Mistakes

By Stacey Celaya

One of the hardest things about being a single parent is having an adult relationship separate from your kids. The amount of obstacles and hurdles in your way are seemingly never-ending – and they don’t go away when you find that Mr. or Ms. Wonderful either.

When my kids were little I never brought any man that I was dating home. They had enough on their plate adjusting to daycare, babysitters and Mommy working all the time and I made it a point to only go out on dates on the weekends they were with their father. This was all fine with me since I had sworn of relationships anyway – I had every intention of dating and hanging with my friends well into my old age.

But then I met my now husband. My oldest daughter was 8 at the time and 11 when we got married. My other two were 7 and 4 when I met Rico. Taylor is the only one that remembers her father and me together and she had some major loyalty issues. She did not understand that she could love Rico and her father at the same time. Unfortunately, even as she got older she never quite got the whole “it’s ok to love them both” thing.

When she was 16 she decided she wanted to go live with her father in Texas. Until that point I had made it very clear that living with their Dad was NOT an option. While he loved them, and this I never doubted, he was not the most responsible of people and had trouble keeping a job, paying his bills and even living somewhere other than his parents’ house. But things between Rico and Taylor were difficult at best. She resented him whenever he attempted to parent her and she got angry with me when I backed him up. She was beyond miserable and her unhappiness affected the whole family.

Finally I agreed to let her try living with her Dad. This was by far the HARDEST decision I ever had to make. Had the rockiness of her relationship with my husband been the only factor, I probably would not have let her go. People don’t always like every other person and while I loved him and my other kids loved him that did not mean that she had to. But Taylor needed to know that her Dad wanted her. She had spent her whole life always trying to please him, afraid that he would just disappear if she didn’t. With all of his faults (and there are many) that was never something I worried about. But she did and that was all that mattered. So that combined with the constant tension and stress on our family caused by Rico and Taylor's unrelenting irritation with each other spurred me to agree to let Taylor go.

By allowing her to live with him I am hoping that will keep her from looking for whatever she needed from her father in all the wrong men in her adult relationships. Saying good-bye to her that summer broke my heart in a way that I never thought it could be broken. The ache in my heart lives with me everyday still. But as I said in a previous post, it is not about me. It is not about my pain or my sense of failure (right or wrongly deserved). It is about what is best for my children. Taylor NEEDED to go live with her Dad.

Fast forward a year and a half…and Taylor is about to turn 18 and a senior in high school. She has been accepted into the University of Texas at Austin and is planning on studying English and becoming an English teacher. She is thriving – incredibly enough despite her father. They still live with his parents, which amazingly enough I am grateful for because I know she always has her Grandparents around when he gets too involved in his own life. He lost his job about six months after Taylor went to live with him and is still unemployed – but Taylor’s presence has forced him to keep plugging away looking for a job.

He never quit understood that the young woman that I sent to live with him was just that – a young woman and not the 8 year old he used to take on the weekends. She was almost nearly fully cooked – but he didn’t see it that way. So he sat on her and to some extent I think he stunted her social growth. She has never been on a date – group or otherwise and she is not allowed to get a part time job to save for a car or college. These things frustrate me to no end. But along with allowing Taylor to live with her Dad, I also had to allow her to lie in the bed she made. She made a choice with the clear knowledge that she had to live with that choice – good or bad – for at least a year; then we could re-evaluate. Another tough thing to do as a parent – every instinct I have says to swoop in and save her – but doing that would only hurt her.

Incredibly enough Taylor sees her Dad with a clear view now. Her rose colored glasses have long since come off. There have been many, many conversations in which I had to remind her that he was her Dad and she had to love him anyway. I have offered on several occasions for her to come home if she really wants to. But Taylor is a tough cookie and in her words is “no quitter”. And I have to agree. She wants to stick it out until she graduates believing that once she moves into the dorms at UT she will have the freedom to grow and spread her wings. I think she is right.

Besides – I will always be here for her to help guide her flight to freedom and this is something I have made sure that she knows.

I Had To Put My Money Where My Parenting Mouth Was

By Michael Horvath

Words You Shouldn't Hear When Dating a Single Parent

by Jennifer Fulks

Some of you may have noticed in earlier posts I said my daughters are 19 and 18, and that I have been married for 17 years. True. I did have my daughters before I was married. Furthermore, I had them with another man.


I had my daughters with a boy I dated in High School. After our second child was born, we decided to try to live together. It did not go so well, I learned what a creep he really was. He turned out to be an abusive drug addict and alcoholic. For the sake of my daughters I asked him to move out two months after having lived with him.

As with most relationships that end and there are children involved, complications arise. We went through a few tough months trying to iron things out. What we ended up with was an agreement that he would be able to call as often as he wished to see how his daughters were doing and if the girls wanted to get in touch with him in their late teenage years, I would accommodate that.

My daughters were five months old and 20 months old when we parted, they were 8 months and 23 months the last time they saw their biological father. I already had a new relationship with my husband. My husband and I decided early on to be open and honest with the girls about their biological father with the exception of telling them about his problems. We didn’t think it was something they needed to deal with at that young of an age, so instead we told them that he was not ready to be a daddy and he asked Darren, my husband, to be their daddy instead. We figured in this large of a family it would be useless to try to keep the truth from them and more hurtful in the long run should they ever need to know about him.

Their biological father never did call. I kept in touch with his parents and sent letters and pictures every year, but they too failed to keep a relationship with their grandchildren. When my husband and I had been married for several years, and it looked as though their biological father was never going to be in the picture, my husband legally adopted my daughters. When we went to the bio-dad to sign the paperwork, he was actually afraid we were trying to find him for child support!

My oldest daughter had the worst time with trying to understand why her “dad” rejected her. Through lots of tears over the years all I could tell her was that I did not know why. When the girls were in their early teens, one of their cousins who knew the truth spilled the beans about their bio-dad. It was time for me to come clean about what had happened between him and me and why I left.

It was so difficult for them to hear their father was and still is an addict. They understood my need to protect them, and at last I could finally tell them the ugly truth. His habit had consumed him so much that feeding it was his only priority. He simply didn’t care. It absolutely does not excuse his behavior, but at least they had something now.

My oldest daughter decided in her senior year of high school that she was ready to face her biological father. I wanted to get things straight for her before she turned 18. I wanted to be able to be there and help her through anything that might come up. My younger daughter never considered him to be anything to her, so for her she was just along for the ride. They both wanted to be able to put his name and face together. And my oldest wanted to know why. Why his whole family could never be bothered, why he didn’t care, why having a child was not enough to make him quit.

I arranged for a meeting between my daughters, my husband and myself, and their biological father and his parents. We met at a popular restaurant. From the start I could tell something was a little off. This now grown man was showing my daughters a photo album filled with pictures of me. Pictures from when we dated. Most sane people would have thrown out pictures like that long ago. I certainly had no pictures of him and me. The only pictures of him I had were ones with my daughters, I saved them for them.

He told them all about himself and what he had been up to all these years, but never was really interested in what had been going on in their lives. At last my daughter got the courage to ask him why he never was around. His father answered for him telling her they all thought it would be best for everyone if they just stayed out of the picture.

How disappointing for my daughters. Here is this man, who I think as least the oldest, held on somewhat of a pedestal because he was mysterious and unknown, had just come in and blew her away with his lack of feelings for her and could not even tell her himself why. It was so heartbreaking for me to see her and see the rejection all over her face once again.

After it was all over, her daddy and I reassured her of our love. She needed time to heal. Although it pained me to see her go through this, I still think it was the right decision. I think she needed to put that chapter behind her so that she would be able to move on in her life. Of course I knew what would happen, I knew he would not have a good excuse for his lack of parenting, but she needed to see it for herself. She needed to know.

After that meeting, I watched my daughter grow by leaps and bounds. She went from being a shy, introverted child to a blossoming and confident young woman. It has been almost two years now since that meeting. He has tried to contact the girls once, last winter. Neither of them wanted anything to do with him. As far as they are concerned, they got what they needed to get from him, absolutely nothing.

I think this actually makes them appreciate their daddy just a little bit more, they understand that he is the one who stood by them all these years, he is the one to teach them all they know. And even though it pained my husband to hear during a teenage rant, “leave me alone, you’re not my real father” he still stood by them and let that painful comment go. They truly understand now that a man does not need to be biologically related to be a real father; he just needs an open heart.

When my youngest daughter had her baby, there is no prouder grandpa than my husband. Next year, when my oldest walks down the wedding isle, it will be her daddy, her REAL daddy that gives her away, the man who raised her, my husband, Darren.

My Two Dads

By Angela Atkinson- Family Dynamics Expert

In my young adult life, I was a professional photographer. I worked in and managed various studios for various companies--and I really enjoyed it for awhile.

But, in my youthful ignorance, I was secretly a very judgmental woman. I can't tell you how many times the children (and their parents) I photographed were the topic of such unfounded assumptions.

(As I may have mentioned before, I thought I knew IT ALL.)

So, whenever I had a shoot that ended early with some screaming two year old being carried out of the studio, or a bratty six year old who wouldn't sit still--or even the too cool tween who wouldn't smile for fear her face might crack--yep, I judged them. And their parents.

Back then, it seemed to me that it must be the parents and their lack of tenacity (or maybe just concern) causing these kids to behave so outrageously.

And, of course, I believed in my oh-so-inexperienced mind that MY kids would be different. My two year old would be a dream--no terrible twos for me. And certainly by the time MY kids were six, they'd be well under control. And just forget about the tweens--I'd have that one in the bag.

Yeah, that's right. I went there.

Not only did I go there, but I had the nerve to mention my "enlightened" thoughts to some friends who happened to actually BE parents. Of course, they just smiled and nodded, allowing me to live in my fantasy world.

(I now know those smiles--they were those of satisfaction found in the idea that some day, I'd eat my own words.)

Fast-forward 15 years...and I've got three amazing kids under my belt--the beautiful two year old princess, the super cool six year old boy and the tween rocket scientist. And, of course, I was right all along--my kids are all perfect.

(Are you laughing yet?)

Yeah, they're perfect. Perfectly healthy, intelligent and attractive. I'm totally grateful for that. But now, let's get real, shall we?

My perfect princess has this habit of taking her diaper off at the most inappropriate times. And yes, she's thrown her fair share of public fits. My perfect super-cool six year old whines...a lot. And of course, still struggles with the idea that he's no longer the baby--he's got the middle child syndrome, and he's got it bad. And my perfect tween rocket scientist? He's hitting that whole "I'm independent and I think I have the right to an opinion" stage. Boy, are we having fun with THAT one!

These days, I tend to be far less judgmental. I'm pro-breastfeeding, for example, but I won't look down my nose at you if you go the formula route. I don't do the cry-it-out thing, either--but if that's your choice, more power to ya. I believe in school uniforms, never taking my kids out unless they're clean and well-dressed, and blatant privacy invasion (more on this one next week)--but if that's not your bag, that's fine by me.

In fact, if you ask me, as long as you love your kids and take care of their physical and emotional needs--you're doing it right.

What I've learned is that no parent is perfect--not a single one of us. Every parent in the world could be doing something wrong by someone's standards. And we all do the best we can--that's all we can do.

Every parent has goals and aspirations for their kids and their families, and every family has different priorities. That's what makes the world go around. Yet, for some reason, so often parents judge one another and their intentions. Assumptions are made, lines are drawn.

Extended-rear-facing car seat moms versus forward facing car seat moms. Football dads versus glee club dads. Academics versus extra curricular activities...breastfeeding versus formula feeding...home school versus public school versus private school...university versus community college versus technical school...it goes on and on.

There will always be someone who disagrees with your choices as a parent--and you, my friends, will always find someone with whom to disagree. So what's the answer?

It's simple. Live your life and raise your kids the best way you know how. If you need help, reach out for it. If you're comfortable in the idea that you're doing it right--then keep on keeping on.

Don't beat your kids. Pay attention to them. Make sure they're fed, clothed and sheltered--and LOVE THEM. Those are the basics--and the rest is up to you.

Next time you feel the need to judge another decent parent--remind yourself that, most likely, she's doing the same thing you're doing--raising her kids the best way she can.

Us parents, we gotta stick together. And the next time some childless, know-it-all twenty-something raises her over-plucked eyebrows and tut-tuts some poor parent whose child has gone off the deep end at the grocery store--smile and nod, because one day, she might just get her turn.

I have perfect children. Don't YOU?

By Alyssa Ast- Babies to Big Kids Expert

As parents, we often have to deal with situations with our young children that can only result in us saying "Oh! No you Didn't!?" Moments like this can be overwhelming when they first occur but later when we look back, we can think, did I react correctly? Did I handle the situation the best I could have? Is it now funny when you look back on it?

One moment like this that stands out the most to me involves my then 3 year old son and an economy sized bottle of baby powder. I had walked outside to take the trash out and as I was walking back to the house I was struck by an overwhelming scent of shampoo. I walked into the house and asked my fiance if he had smelled it. Automatically, both of our heads turned to the hallway where the boys room's are. Without hesitation we jetted down the hall to find my ghostly looking child innocently trying to hide the empty bottle of baby powder that he was now covered in.

You don't realize just how much powder comes in the container until it's all over your house. Both of the boys bedrooms and bathroom were now covered in a thick covering of powder. It was everywhere! In the toilet, tub, dresser drawers, and toy boxes. No place was left untouched. The entire back of the house was white!!

While I stood there with my bottom jaw on the floor staring at my son, I was trying to decide if I should cry or laugh. The only thing I could think of to do was to remove myself from the situation and think. I told my son to get back in the bed while I went outside to call my grandmother for a word of advice. However, all I got was a good chuckle, which at the time seemed out of place.

After hanging up the phone, I handed my son a rag and told him to start cleaning. Just a note- mixing water with baby powder results in a thick plaster. After 2 hours of cleaning up the powder we still had baby powder everywhere for weeks.

Looking back at the situation now, I feel I handled it fairly well. When I look back now, I realize I should have only changed my reaction. I should have immediately laughed instead of becoming horrified, because it was after all a little funny. I am very happy with the fact I chose to remove myself from the situation before reacting.

One of my fondest moments as a child includes my best friend and I with a fan and a bottle of baby powder. I was about 6 or 7 when we discovered if you turn the fan on and spray the powder into the fan it blows all over the room. We had a blast! It was cheap entertainment and didn't harm a thing. After we ran out of powder, we cleaned up our mess and that was that.

If I had remembered this moment while I stood there awestruck at my son, I think I would have reacted much better. So here's my lesson from this experience:

If you did it as a child and everyone survived with no broke bones and the house is still standing, don't over react!. Kids will be kids, just think back to the things you did as a child. If your child should happen to do this, at least baby powder is inexpensive to buy and your house will smell great for a few days. Just make sure the area is very well ventilated.

I now fully understand why my grandmother laughed. Even now I look back and chuckle, which I should have done in the first place. And I know with 100% certainty, quiet kids never lead to anything good.

What moments like this have you experienced? Do you think you handled it well? Would you do anything differently? Share with us your experience.

Photo: "Up to Something" By torif2m

Oh! No You Didn't!!

By Stacey Celaya- Single Parenting

This was definitely one of those weeks when I was wishing I did not live in the land of single parentdom. As you may remember, technically I am not a single mom any more – I have a wonderful husband. But as wonderful as he is, he is a United States Marine and spends the majority of time away from home. This week he was in California.

There is something that you must understand about me. I am very proud of the fact that I spent many years as a single parent. I am very proud of the person that experience molded me to be. I blossomed and bloomed into a very independent (albeit a bit of a control freak), kicking butt and taking names kind of girl. But there are times when life would be so much simpler if I had someone else to pinch hit for me an inning or two.

This week was one of those times. Not only was this the first week of my senior year of college and the semester when they begin pushing us nursing students out of the nest, it was also when my daughter Sarah got her Learner’s Permit to drive. My oldest daughter (who now lives with my ex-husband in Texas, that is another blog for another time…LOL), went to live with him right after drivers education and never did get her permit. So this is a first time thing for all of us.

Sarah is very smart and very responsible and has wanted to drive since she was about two. So for her this is incredibly exciting and fun. For me? Well let’s just say that I saw my life flash before my eyes on several occasions this week.

She has been driving with me around the neighborhood for a couple of months now but not out on public streets and highways. But I am a trial by fire kind of gal and figured I might as well see how she does on the open road and allowed her to drive on the highway. Want to know what that felt like? There comes a point when a woman is in labor when she decides that she is done and doesn’t want to do it anymore. She wants to push the baby back in and go home. THAT is how I felt. I wanted to stop the car in the middle of the freeway and tell her to get in the passenger side while I drove!!

Of course I did not do that, what that would have done to her self confidence was not something I wanted to see. So I sucked it up and white knuckled it all the way to our destination. Honestly, she did fine. In fact, she did great! I was very impressed once my heart started beating again and blood returned to my brain.

But the whole time I kept thinking – why do I have to do this part? Why can’t she have her other parent do this? I cover all the other aspects of raising kids and parenting – doesn’t that count for something?? For a brief second, I felt anger – anger because I am it. I am the only one here every day to teach these kids the things that they need to be productive, happy, successful adults – and where is the fairness in that?? How come I don’t get to quit like her Dad did? How come I don’t get to walk away when it is too tough or when I am too scared?

Why? Because I am her Mom and when God blessed me with children my life became their life. My wants and needs became their wants and needs. Because it isn’t about me. It is about them and what is best for them – even if that means I have to sit in the passenger seat literally trying not to pee my pants as my teenagers learn to navigate not only the highway to our intended geographical destination but the highway to their own life destination. So I take a deep breath, white knuckle the handle and say a prayer cause the key is in the ignition and the ride is about to begin….

How tall do you have to be to ride this thing anyway?

By Michael Horvath- Pseudo-Dad Step Parenting

This relationship was a first for me in many ways, two of them standing out more than others. Number one, this was the first interracial relationship for both Djuanna and I. Number two was that I never dated anyone with a child. Since my experience is limited in the area of meeting the kid(s), I can only share how things went for me and express my opinion and give advice as I see it.

Tyler was 11 years old when I met her. I think Djuanna and I were together 3-4 months before we set up the introductions. Tyler is an extremely intelligent, outgoing and mature girl. She had actually advised her mom to "get back in the game" before I came along. Djuanna hadn't introduced anyone to her for quite some time or if Ty even remembered I don't know, but I do think we were more apprehensive than she was. Djuanna is one of those moms who you don't want to mess with when it comes to her cub and not just any guy got to meet Tyler. She also prepped Ty before the meeting was set.

"I want you to meet a guy I'm dating." Djuanna informed her.

"Okay", Tyler said.

"Oh, and, um, and he's white". Djuanna stated, looking to judge Tyler's reaction.

"Okay", Tyler responded again, this time with a look like "so he's white, what's the big deal"?

So the date was set and the introduction went off without a problem.

If you are about to enter this scenario yourself I have a few suggestions:

1. Find something that you might have in common with the child before you meet. It helps to have something to break the ice. In our case, Tyler is a very theatrical person and loves music. She wants to become an actress and is constantly singing. She wanted to learn how to play guitar. So of course I brought one of mine with me. In fact I gave a very brief lesson to her that first day.

2. Meet somewhere the child is comfortable so they can go their own way when they are ready to end the meeting. We met at their house and Tyler was able to go back to her room when she felt the interaction had ended and no longer met her needs. This gives the child some control over the situation and also relieves you of making boring adult small talk with them. They will probably think you're a goof anyway so why subject them to your silly adult nerdiness longer than they want. (As for me, she thought I was cool. See me flexing my arms?-lol)

3. As time goes on be their "adult friend". Don't be their friend alone and don't just be the adult either. Balance it out. You aren't the parent so don't act like one, but be the adult who has their respect. Let your "inner child" out so they see you as someone fun. And you will have fun too, believe me. Spend time together having doing things they enjoy and only increase the time together as they are comfortable. That way you won't be intrusive. Build up your authority. I began by asking Ty to do something for me. "Could you let the dogs out?" or "Could you set the table so I can finish making dinner?" They will be receptive if it's not demanding. Today I can set more direct expectations and Tyler will listen. Take it easy as your build up your authority and leave the discipline to the parent. Most importantly take it slow as you build both the friendship and authority side of the relationship.

Remember too that kids see everything. They are as concerned about their parents as the parent is about them. When Djuanna occasionally got a migraine that put her flat on her back in bed, I was there to make dinner and see that Tyler was okay. I even employed Ty's help in the kitchen. I open the car doors for both of them. When PMS time of the month came I brought Djuanna chocolate and Coke, and you know darn well Ty got her chocolate too. She saw that I cared for her mother and that I treated her well.

I will say that I was pretty lucky. Tyler and I have a lot in common and enjoy "hanging" together. Of course we built up our relationship over time. It all started off on the right foot the first time we met.

And it doesn't hurt that I act like I'm a 12 year old.

Meeting The Girl

by Jennifer Fulks- Tweens and Teens Expert

Wow! I don’t know about you but last week was a heck of a long week! The kids went back to school which left me at home during the day with my grandson. Phew, I forgot how time consuming a baby can be! This week I want to share with you the start to my journey as a 37 year old grandmother.


Last spring I was awakened by a message on my cell phone. This was odd because my phone never actually rang, just the tone saying there was a new message. In my sleepy state I listened to the recorded voice of my daughter’s boyfriend’s father. It went something like this: “Hi Jennifer, its Jim, Ethan’s dad, we need to get together and talk…..tonight. Give me a call.” And in that moment I knew; I knew my 17 year old daughter was pregnant! You see, I was 17 when I found myself pregnant and I had to go to my dad and tell him. I had great timing and told him on Christmas day. I took him aside and said “Dad, I have something to tell you.” He said “You can tell me anything, as long as you don’t tell me you’re pregnant.” I was crushed.

Looking back on that time, I realize I never once gave a thought as to how it was going to affect their lives. I suppose as a teenager your brain is just not wired to think that way yet. Although my parents were very supportive of me, I also had a deep sense that they were very ashamed to have their teenage daughter pregnant. Somehow we all just made it through. Don’t get me wrong, my parents were and always have been very loving with my children and supportive of me. But it always hurt that I never was given a baby shower with either of my first two children (born 15 months apart). For me, my first two pregnancies were not a celebration of life, they were more of a hush-hush, keep it on the down low kind of deal.

As I was saying, I got the message from Jim. My husband, Darren, had just walked out of the room and was on his way out the front door when I jumped out of bed, ran out of the room yelling “Wait, wait, don’t leave yet!” Darren turned around to come back and I said “I just got a message from Jim, I think Ashley is pregnant!” Of course with him being daddy and her being his youngest daughter he was in total disbelief, where as I knew that’s what was going on. I made my way to my computer looking for a pen and paper, shaking like crazy, trying to write down the number Jim left on my phone when I saw “it”.

My daughter knows the first thing I do in the morning is grab a cup of coffee and sit at my laptop to write or surf the web, so there “it” was, a folded up piece of paper with the word “Mom” written on it tucked under the front of my laptop. And I began to cry. I only made it through the first couple of lines before handing the letter to Darren to finish reading. I just couldn’t read it.

It seems as though my daughter has my great sense of timing as well. Today was the day she was taking her ACT test at school. The first thing I did was to send her a text telling her we love her and support her. Ethan had left a similar letter for his parents as well, so I then called Jim and we set up a time to get together to talk about everything.

In between bouts of sobbing, I was finally able to read the rest of her letter. Ashley and Ethan had it all planned out, they were going to graduate early, move out, and take care of things all on their own. It’s funny how the teenage mind thinks.

As soon as I was able to catch my breath I called my mother. I thought I would be able to cry to my mom and get an insider’s perspective on where to go from here. Of course I blurted it out as soon as she picked up the phone “Mom, Ashley is pregnant! (sob, sob, sob)” My mother, with her 70 some years of wisdom, laughed and said “My dear girl, it’s not the end of the world! Look what I went through with you, and we survived! I do hope she has a girl!”

WAIT, WHAT? IT’S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD?

Yes, those words hit me like a ton of bricks! And I realized, no our life did not just end, it merely changed its course. So I immediately began to get a plan together in my head. I picked my daughter up from school early, as soon as she was done with the ACT. She had already taken 4 pregnancy tests but I needed to see for myself to be sure. So we stopped at Walgreen's, and picked up a two pack (just to be really, really sure). We came home, went to the bathroom and she took the tests. All I could say was “Congratulations sweetheart, you’re going to be a mommy!”

OK, I could have said something different, I could have yelled and screamed and cried and berate her and all of those other horrible things, but what exactly would that have accomplished? I really just did not see what good could come out of making her feel bad. I know from experience that she is scared to death right now. I had to make a choice, to be her rock or to alienate her. I chose to be her rock.

When we all sat down together that night we all agreed first thing that abortion was not an option for any of us. Thankfully we are all together on the pro life page. After that I laid out my thoughts and left it open for everyone to agree or disagree. My thoughts on this were, and still are, help them now to give our grandchild the best possible start or let them do this on their own and they all struggle and suffer the rest of their lives. It seemed like a simple decision to me.

I am a homemaker. I do not work outside of my home, so I agreed to watch my grandson while my daughter gets her education. Ashley was already set to enter college in the fall, even though she still had to complete her senior year of High School. She is a brilliant student and wanted to be concurrently enrolled. I didn’t want her mess that up. For one, the school district is paying for her first year and the second thing is when she graduates from high school she will also be taking her exam to get her CNA license. In the fall of 2010 she will begin working on her Nursing degree. She has already been accepted into the program.

I feel that this will be the best way to help my daughter and my grandson. He has a caretaker in his own home; mommy gets her Nursing degree and a great job to be able to support them both. Yes, it is a sacrifice on my part. I was just getting to the point where my children were not so reliant on me anymore. But now I see, our children never really become independent from us, they just depend on us in different ways as they get older.

I know I have over simplified the situation a lot here, don’t think it has not been without more tears. I was in a major funk for the first few months. But I went to every single doctor’s appointment with my daughter. And the first time I saw my grandson on the monitor, swimming in my young daughters belly; the first time I heard his little heart beating, I was in love.

You see, I had a choice to make, hurt my daughter and hurt my grandson with anger and hate or rejoice that a new life is upon us. Pregnancy should be a celebration of life; it should not be shamed at any age. I wanted my grandchild to come to this world feeling love from the very start, knowing he was wanted and cherished from the beginning. I gave my daughter a huge baby shower!

I was right by her side when she gave birth to my beautiful grandson and every morning when I hold my grandson and we cuddle, every time I look into his bright beautiful eyes, my heart is filled with wonder and love, and my mind rejoices that I get all the perks and none of the getting up in the middle of the night!

But I'm too young to be a grandma!

By Angela Atkinson- Family Dynamics

You know that it's important for your family to have dinner together as often as possible, but you might be surprised to find out exactly how important it is.

The most obvious answer is that it benefits your relationship with your kids. Since many families are overwhelmed with busy schedules these days, sitting down to dinner on a consistent basis gives families a chance to "check in" during the day.

The benefits of family dinners don't stop there. According to research by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse, kids who sit down to dinner on a regular basis are less likely to engage in many dangerous behaviors.

The study says that the more often kids eat dinner with their families, the less likely they are to:

• Drink, smoke or use drugs illegally
• Have sex before adulthood
• Commit suicide

Plus, the study found, children who dine with their parents more often are MORE likely to:

• Eat healthier and maintain a healthy weight.
• Be emotionally healthy.
• Get better grades in school.

In my family, we sit down for dinner together at least five to six nights a week, most weeks. Then again, my kids are all under the age of 13. As families grow and as children get older, this whole family dinner thing can get a little tougher to accomplish.

The primary reason many families skip the "sit down" dinner is because they're busy and often going in all different directions. It's a normal part of our society, really. Still, if that's the case in your household, try scheduling at least one family dinner night each week.

For example, when I was growing up (especially during my tween and teen years), we often ate on the run and on our various schedules--but everyone knew that Sunday dinner was not optional and always made plans to be there.

This can be a little difficult at first, especially when your family isn't accustomed to it, but don't give up. Remember, dinner doesn't have to be fancy. Soup and sandwiches are okay--as long as you're sitting down together. The lifelong benefits far outweigh the temporary trouble--and who doesn't want a happier, healthier and more productive family?

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner: 6 Reasons Family Dinners Work

Welcoming a New Baby

By Stacey Celaya- Single Parenting Expert

My name is Stacey Celaya and I am the Single Parenting Expert featured on Fridays. I am the mother of four beautiful children; two daughters Taylor, 17 and Sarah, 16 and two sons Troy, 13 and Tony, 4. I have been a single parent most of my parenting life. I married my high school sweetheart when I was 19 and we quickly had 3 children. By the time I was 25 I was divorced with no employment and no education. So began my life as a “Single-Working-Student Parent” and the birth of my alter ego dubbed by my mother, “the jack of all trades but master of none”.

Over the ensuing years I worked at various jobs to support my children. I worked in several capacities at a Do-It-Yourself Warehouse, I drove a forklift for a company that imported alarm system parts from overseas, went to night school to become a Certified Nursing Assistant, stumbled upon phlebotomy and worked as a Phlebotomist for a major hospital in Monterey County, California. I also quickly discovered that the only way anything got done was if I did it myself and since money was scarce it was cheaper to figure out how things were done then to hire someone to do it for me. My experience as a single mom created self-confidence, a sense of self-worth and a deep belief of “where there is a will, there is a way” like no other.


When I was 28 I met a United States Marine during a phone conversation with a cousin of a friend of mine. Two years later I picked up my three children and moved to Barstow, California where my future husband Rico (yes that really is his name…LOL) was to be stationed. After a year in Barstow, we married and two years later came my bonus baby Anthony.


What I did not know at the time was that the 6 years that I spent being a single parent was in fact grooming me to be a military spouse. The trials and tribulations of being a single parent are very similar to those that I experience to this day as the wife of a career Marine. My husband has been deployed on several occasions as well as being “temporarily”, if a year is considered temporarily, assigned in a different state and is currently stationed 80 miles away from where we live so I am still very much a single parent.


I have found that even now, almost 18 years after first becoming a parent, that there are new struggles and challenges and incredible rewards that are discovered each and every day. Parenting is by far the hardest job in my repertoire of trades that I have accumulated, but it is by all means the most worthwhile and there is no other trade that I work as hard at to master (however unsuccessful I feel sometimes…LOL).


Every Friday I will be writing about the struggles of juggling everyone and everything solo while attending nursing school full-time as well as my attempt to find some alone time for myself or with my weekend husband to preserve my sanity. Sprinkle that with the unique challenges that come with the constant struggle of dealing with an ex-spouse that is still the father of my children and maybe even a little about the wonderfully complicated life of being in the middle between the step parent and the teenager. Ahhhh my life as I know it…good stuff!

Jack of All Trades, Master of None....

By Michael Horvath- Pseudo Parenting

StepDad? Why Are you Looking At Me?