The WM Parenting Connection

Dealing with Bullies
 by Marina DelVecchio

I was just talking with my son's friend, a nine-year-old little girl, and she was telling me about this boy in her class that not only bullies them, but also hurts them physically. A few months ago, this boy tripped her on purpose; she fell and sprained her thumb. Other than telling her parents about the incident, she didn't do anything more because she feared reprisal by this burgeoning bully. Aside from telling her to inform the teacher about his behavior, her parents did nothing about it either. Today she was telling me that her other friend has a broken arm because the same boy tripped her on purpose, and that he has done it to other kids in the class. The teacher is aware of his behavior and she has taken him outside of the class and discussed his behavior. But still, nothing else has been done.

There have always been bullies, and they target the kids that don't do anything retaliatory. And let's face it, it's not their job to do anything about it. We send our kids off to school and tell them that if anyone bullies them, to tell the teacher. The teacher speaks to the child, moves a stick for bad behavior, perhaps even sends a note home, and all is well. As much of an authority figure the teacher is in her classroom, she has done all she can and can do no more. From my experience, teachers miss half the stuff that takes place in the classroom or at recess, where the kids get to run free without much supervision.

The truth is, schools are too big and have a higher purpose than to  take care of our kids. We send our kids to school and expect the school, the Principal, and the teachers to figure out how to solve these problems. They have a checks and balances system in place, and when these kinds of incidences occur, they follow the rules according to their books lest they be held liable. They talk to the bully, they explain why his behavior is unacceptable, and then they bring in the parents of the child to discuss his behavior. But then their hands are washed clean. They have done their duty as representatives of the school system.

But the school cannot follow the child home. The school cannot teach this child how to harness his anger, or his emotions. This is the parent's job. Parents have to take a stronger stance against bullying. The parents of the bully have to set standards of behavior for their child, seek counseling for him if necessary, and dole out punishment. If a child behaves inappropriately in school, then his punishment should continue when he returns home. When my child moves his stick for talking in class or fooling around when he should be working, I make him write a letter of apology to his teacher for disrupting her lesson, and I punish him at home. He cannot watch TV, or play outside with his friends. At seven, he already knows that there are consequences for unacceptable behavior in school that are followed through at home.

Parents of a bullyish or unbehaved child need to take responsibility for their child. His bad behavior is a reflection of their parenting. Every parent is responsible and should be held responsible for the behavior of their child in school. Children need to know that every action has a reaction, and with every bad behavior, there are consequences -- especially if that bad behavior occurs in school. As a teacher, I can tell you that it was very frustrating to discipline disruptive children in the classroom. And when I called their parents to discuss the issue with them, their parents acted like it was my problem, because their kids were angels and would never behave this way; they were taught better. A teacher's job is to teach his subject; not to teach values and good public behavior to his students. That's the parent's job.

At fault also are the parents of the child being bullied. If you do nothing about the bullying, you're teaching your child not to stand up against it, or for himself. Your job as a parent is to protect your child at all costs; you cannot leave the protection to the school and its teachers. There is only so much that they can do, and their interests are not the interests of your child. They have a different agenda to protect.

As a parent of a child who is being bullied, it is your job to go to the school; not to make a call, but to actually go there and visit with the teacher. After talking with the teacher, visit the Principal. Let him know that this is unacceptable and that you want something done about it. But don't leave it there. Then call the parents of the bully. Let them know what is going on. Make sure you have talked to the parents of the other children who have been bullied as well. Have them call this child's parents. If enough pressure is applied to the school administrators and the parents of the children who learn to abuse those that don't fight back, then perhaps they will take proactive steps to ensure the end of bullying.

But when no one does anything -- not the abused children, not the abused children's parents -- then bullying won't stop. Bullies will always be bullies until those bullied step up and defend their rights not to be bullied -- and children cannot fend for themselves; their parents have to stand beside them and fight for them to go to school and learn, rather than fall victim to the abuse of those who are bigger, tougher, and meaner.

Dealing with Bullies