Thursday, September 23, 2010

postheadericon What's the Big Deal?


By Michael Horvath, Stepparenting

We all know the story of the married couple getting a divorce which was really no surprise to anyone but the couple themselves. Everyone but them had seen the signs long ago, one wanted the other to change and thought that they could change them. When it didn't happen, resentments built up and it was over. Of course the process took longer than it did to read that sentence, but I am sure you understand what I mean. Personally I never could figure out why people get married thinking they could change the other person. Certainly people change, but only if and when they want to do so. It also needs to make sense to them.

This reasoning can apply to stepparenting children as well. Surely you were over at your new mate's house before you got married, right? You saw the environment. You observed the interactions. You saw the disciplining and how a variety of issues were handled by the single parent before you decided to join forces. You weren't deaf, dumb or stupid. So why think or act that way now? Better to bang your head against the wall.

Nothing in any of our core personalities change when we decide to blend two families together. This goes for the children as well. We all are still the same person, inside and out. But so many adults think that things are going to change things once everyone gets settled into the new combined home. The dust isn't going to settle until all those kids are grown and out of the house, at the very soonest if at all. Stop pulling out your hair for reasons beyond your control. You knew what just you were getting into before you got into it.

As usual I have a personal example. About a year before Djuanna and Tyler moved in with me, Djuanna and I set about the task of cleaning Ty's room one day when Tyler had gone to her dad's for a holiday stay. That room was as you might expect for a 13 year old. One third of the stuff stayed, one third of the stuff got thrown away and the last one third went to Goodwill (which probably threw most of what we gave them anyway) I won't tell you what we found. Whew! If you can't guess go look in your own child's room and you'll probably get some ideas.

Fast forward to the present day. Tyler now has her own room in her new home with Djuanna and I. Prior to it being hers it was empty for three years and prior to that my ex-wife used it for an arts and crafts room. Very little wear and tear in that room. So now I have a 14 going on 15 year old in there and what does it end up looking like? It looks like 14 going on 15 year old lives in that room. A mess! Now did I get all bent about it? No! I knew what I was getting into in the first place. I think the only thing I requested of her was to keep from getting any makeup on the carpet (although honestly I wasn't certain that was going to happen either) I knew Tyler was going to be sleeping in that room not Mr. Clean. Oh yes, and that goes for her bathroom as well.

I knew exactly what I was getting into and remained rational and realistic. I knew what it was going to be like and accepted those things. If you're a stepparent or about to be one I urge you to do the same. The only person we can change is ourselves. Besides, if we paid any attention before we joined families we saw the signs. So what's the big deal now?

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2 comments:

Kathy Foust said...

The hardest part about belnding families may be the want and need to change the children. Great outlook you have.

fortysomethingfirsttimemum said...

Great Post Michael. Very good advice!

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