The WM Parenting Connection

by Marina DelVecchio

One of the biggest pitfalls we fall into as parents is that we "see" ourselves in our kids, and because of that, we give them not what they actually need, but what we needed that perhaps our own parents did not give us. The truth is, as much as we give our children, if we're not giving them what they need, then it's all for nothing.

I don't want my son to grow up as I did, so I shower him with hugs, kisses, and lots of daily "I love you's." Since I never had that as a child, it's important that I give him those things. I don't want him to grow up feeling unloved or worthless. But as much of these things as I give him, he is still hungry for my attention. And now that he has a little sister who takes up a lot of my time, his need of me has doubled, making me feel like I am not giving him enough.

This makes me think of my relationship with my adoptive mom even more. She gave me a lot of things, but they had not been what I had needed as a child. She took me to the ballet, the opera, and all over the world. But these were things that she had needed as a child, not what I had needed. Her parents had been poor, and although they loved her, they had not been able to give her the culture she had needed. Thus, when she adopted me, I was eight years old, and she gave me the things that she had needed as opposed to what I needed, which had nothing to do with culture and the finer things in life. I needed love, tons of it, and I needed the security of knowing that she would not abandon me as my biological family had. Although she never abandoned me physically, she did abandon me emotionally by keeping her distance and never really getting to know me or my history.

This is why I now try so hard to be aware of my son's needs and attempt to give him what he requires -- not what I had desired. I realize that he does not need what I had needed -- hugs, kisses, fist full of I love you's. All kids need these things; they are important for every child. But what my son needs more is for me to interact with him -- physically, which is so hard for me because my childhood was not centered on playing. Seven years old, he needs me to throw the ball with him, chase him, swim with him, play games with him, and so on. Being in the same room as me is not enough.

And for the first time in my life, I have to play -- actually throw myself into the world of games, and laughter, and childish things I know nothing about. He challenges me to be better, but also to be child-like.

I'll let you know how it goes, but in the meantime, look at your kids and see them for who they are; see their needs, not yours. Even if they look as you did when you were a child, their personalities are different, their needs are different, and their circumstances are completely different than yours had been.

The Importance of 'Seeing' Earnest