The WM Parenting Connection

By Angela Atkinson

Growing up, I watched my father treat my mother like an absolute queen. Sure, they had tense moments on occasion just like any other couple, but I never saw Dad treat Mom disrespectfully. He rarely even raised his voice, and we all knew that he'd never raise his hand--and it wasn't just because we were sure that Mom, all five feet of her, could hold her own against his six foot five inch frame. It was because he loved her, he respected her, and because husbands and wives in healthy relationships treat each other with love and respect.


My parents did something else right too--they taught me that I should never expect or accept being physically abused in my relationships. And so, as I got older and started dating, that became one of my relationship "deal breakers." In my mind, if a man were to hit me, I would have no choice but to leave.


And, though my relationships haven't been perfect, I am 35 years old today and happily married to my One (who, by the way, may complain a little too often at times, but who has never, ever raised his hand to hit me.) In fact, none of my relationships involved domestic abuse, probably thanks to the simple fact that I was taught not to expect or accept it.


Let's Talk Statistics

Did you know that one in every three women will experience some form of domestic violence during her lifetime? And, according to a 2002 report from Barnes Jewish Hospital in St. Louis, MO, "Battering is the major cause of injury to women ages 14 to 45, causing more injury than auto accidents, muggings and rapes combined."


Not only that, but domestic violence between intimate partners is blind to social, economic, religious or cultural status--though new research finds that young women who live in poverty are more likely to be victims of domestic abuse than other women.


And if that's not enough for you, domestic violence costs you money. Healthcare costs for domestic violence victims looms at more than four billion dollars each year--and costs the victims themselves nearly 2 billion dollars indirectly in the form of lost or missed work days. According to the Centers for Disease Control, domestic violence costs victims nearly 8 million days of "paid work." This is equivalent to more than 32,000 full time jobs--and close to 6 million days of "household productivity" are lost each year by victims of relationship abuse.


So why do some people find themselves in abusive relationships? And what can you do to help your children avoid such a fate?


Growing Up Negative

I believe that many people end up in abusive relationships because they don't believe that they deserve anything better. As kids, we're fed all kinds of messages about who we are and what we're worth. These messages come from our parents and other adult family members, our teachers, our peers and siblings--even from television and the media.


When the messages coming from the most significant people in a child's life are mostly positive and supportive, children learn to believe that they're worth being treated with respect. But when children hear that they're bad, worthless, lazy, stupid--they begin to internalize those messages and believe them to be true. 


Mom & Dad Beat On Each Other

When kids grow up in abusive homes, they start to think that's the norm. And whether they become abusers themselves or they find themselves being abused by their romantic partners as they get older, you can bet that it happens because they think it's normal or acceptable--at least on some level. Even if they're logically aware that physical abuse isn't ok, they may not take action to change the situation because no one ever showed them how.


Stop the Cycle: Talk the Talk

Research shows that parents, especially same-sex parents, have the most significant influence over children and the development of their self-perception. So, in general, girls tend to internalize their mothers' voices a little more, while boys tend to lean towards their fathers' voices--though both parents and many other people will ultimately affect the self-perceptions of all kids, regardless of sex.


So, while we can't control the voices our children hear outside of our own homes, we can think before we speak. This doesn't mean that we can't reprimand them for poor behavior, but we must remember the long-term damage a hastily spoken phrase can do before we unleash the word vomit that sometimes comes when we're frustrated.


For example, if your child gets a bad grade at school, you might say, "I know that you're intelligent and capable of doing better than this, so I expect you to do better," instead of, "If you weren't so lazy, maybe you'd get better grades." You get the idea.



Stop the Cycle: Walk the Walk

As a parent, you can teach your kids about respect by showing them respect. If you're married or in a relationship, treat one another respectfully--especially when the kids are in earshot. Don't assume because a child is young that she doesn't understand what's happening. Even when they're babies, children "get" more than you think.


Don't encourage violence. While I feel that self-defense may be necessary for kids (especially in the case of school bullies and the like) I think that parents need to teach their kids to use their words to communicate their feelings, not their fists. When parents can't verbalize their frustrations and deal with them in a mature fashion, whether with their romantic partners or with their children, kids learn that the appropriate response to stress and anger is to physically strike out.


Bottom line: If you show your children that violence is an acceptable form of self expression, they will often internalize that behavior and become an abuser or a victim of abuse.



What to Do If You're In An Abusive Relationship

If you or someone you know are being abused at home or in your relationship, the first thing you should know is that YOU DESERVE BETTER. How do I know this? Because every single human life has value--yours is no exception. Because NO ONE deserves to live in fear.


Get yourself some help. If you're in immediate danger, call 911. If you need help getting out of a dangerous situation, call The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence's national hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE, or find the Coalition nearest you.


The NCADV offers many services to help battered women, men and children escape from domestic abuse situations, including:

 Crisis Intervention:

    * crisis intervention services
    * crisis hot lines
    * shelters or other emergency residential
    * facilities
    * medical services
    * transportation networks
    * laws that allow either
    * victims or perpetrators to be removed from the home

Emotional Support:

    * self-help support groups
    * assertiveness training
    * self-esteem and confidence-building
    * sessions
    * parenting skills courses

Advocacy and Legal Assistance:

    * access to and custody of children
    * property matters
    * financial support
    * restraining orders
    * public assistance benefits
    * help with immigration status

Other Supportive Services:

    * housing and safe accommodations
    * child care
    * access to community services

How You Can Help

If you want to help the NCADV make a difference in the lives of families just like yours, you can visit the website to donate to the cause. Learn more about the NCADV and its mission statement, principles of unity and ultimate goals on the website.

Causes & Charities Week: Ending the Cycle of Domestic Violence