Thursday, March 18, 2010
Stepping Up and Stepping Back
3:09 AM | Posted by
Michael Horvath

By Michael Horvath, Pseudo-Dad Step Parenting
Being a step parent has it's own unique challenges. There is a line that must be acknowledged when it comes time to know when to step up or step back. This is especially true when both biological parents are in the picture.
There are laws which define exactly what a step parent can and cannot do. Basically the step parent has no rights unless the biological parent has lost or relinquished their rights. Some laws are different state to state and there are some that even have rights assigned to all three "parents". Laws can take the gray area out of many decisions but even then all will not be black and white.
When it comes to decisions made for the child(ren) a step parent should remain as neutral as possible. They need to try to keep their head down and stay out of the way. This does not mean that they don't have a voice. Realize that your voice is a combination of your personal thoughts and feelings and may not have any bearing on the outcome of any choices being made by the biological parents. Here is a personal example:
Djuanna and her ex had long been talking about Tyler moving to Virginia to live with her biological dad for her high school years. He wanted his "turn" at parenting her and he was in no way a "deadbeat dad" over the years. I had been around awhile already and although it is my opinion that he blew it with some of the choices he made in his marriage to Djuanna, he is a good man and loves his daughter in a huge way. For myself, I too came to love his daughter in a huge way, but pay attention to two key words here - "his daughter". I told Djuanna that I wanted Ty to stay with us. I never breathed a word of it to Tyler other than to let her know she was welcomed and loved by me. Speaking my mind to her would have been detrimental and possibly confusing for her. I never had a conversation with the ex either. When it comes down to the decision making, those conversations are for the biological parents to have between the two of them. In the end Tyler moved in with her dad and his new wife and her kids. Tyler is now getting life experiences in their home, experiences she wouldn't otherwise have had. She is in a great school and loves it. We will have her for holidays and summers and in the end I am okay with it. Why? Because I spoke my heart and didn't hold back which may have caused me to build resentments. But the most important thing is doing what is best for Tyler and that is what everybody wants.
Setting rules for the house are a whole different ball game. With summer around the corner Tyler is going to have new guidelines when it comes to living with me. She learned what was expected of her when it was just her mom and herself. Over the past months she has learned a new set of rules for her dad's and stepmom's household. Next comes the rules that her mom and I will have for her in our house. Making kids happy isn't always the primary goal of parenting although having happy kids is what we all want. She will adjust. I am sure there will be things she enjoys about living with us as the expectations of her dad's house won't apply. Then she will probably not like some of the new rules either. But rules aren't any teen's favorite thing in the first place now are they? Children also have the ability to adapt to two different parenting styles as well. So having two sets of house rules shouldn't be made into a big deal. Of course it will be easier if they are similar.
But what about discipline? Certainly with the discussion of rules comes discipline. To me this is a no-brainer. The discipline is up to the biological parents. Once again this doesn't mean that step parents don't have a say, but we must be careful to maintain healthy and respectful boundaries. If there is a disagreement about what may be done in certain situations, then that is between the parent and the step parent to come to an agreement. As in all families, parents (and step parents) must show a united front.
Just because a step parent may not have the "rights" of a biological parent, they should do their best to guide and care for their stepchild, being an active part of the child's life. It is about stepping up and also knowing when to step back.
Stepping Up and Stepping Back
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Pseudo-Dad Step Parenting
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1 comments:
Hmm, Can be really challenging..
But I wonder how many step mums/dads can actually exercise restraint.. not much..
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