The WM Parenting Connection

By Angela Atkinson, Family Dynamics

Last week, I discussed how to identify school bullies and their victims. And, interestingly enough, while my younger son's bully problems have been solved, my oldest informed me last night about a situation he's dealing with at school. It seems that a boy in one of his classes has been calling him names and physically getting into his face. Not such a big deal, right?

But it is, because it's affecting my son's ability to feel comfortable and safe at school. And, it may be more serious than that.

I asked my son for details about this boy. Turns out our bully is much shorter than my son (who isn't so tall either, for his age) and struggles academically as well as behaviorally (to the point that the teacher keeps his seat next to her desk.) My son is one of the "smart kids" and considering all of that, my first thought was that this boy was just insecure and trying to make himself feel better by making my son (and apparently several other students) feel worse. And, I suspect, he's got trouble at home.

My first instinct was to give my son a great comeback and to tell him to ignore the kid--but then,  we checked out his MySpace page and found photos of guns and other violent images--and he's a seventh grader.At that point, I decided to get the school involved, and sent a link to the bully's MySpace page in an email to the principal along with an explanation of what has been happening at school.

The scary part is that bullying has long been a nationwide problem in our schools. In fact, the National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center estimates that nearly six million American kids are currently involved in bullying. This staggering statistic includes boys and girls from nearly every cultural group and income level. In fact, whether your child is being bullied or doing the bullying, the behavior carries serious risk factors. For example, kids who are bullied on a consistent basis may experience lowered self-esteem, reduced class attendance and lower grades. And, a study cited by SafeYouth.org states that kids who engage in bullying behavior between sixth and ninth grades are 60 percent more likely to have a criminal conviction by the age of 24.

So what can you do to help your kids avoid getting involved in bullying?

Prevention: Foster Self Esteem

First, parents should work to help build their child's confidence levels. Both potential bullies and their potential victims can benefit from confidence building exercises and behaviors. Kids who are confident in themselves and abilities are less likely to bully or be bullied. Plus, maintaining self confidence can have longer term benefits.

"The problem isn't the bullying," says author and former bully victim Joe Wojcik, "it's the fact that when people are impacted by bullying in their early years, the statistics say that those individuals manifest low self-esteem and self-confidence. It brings upon depression and substance abuse, it's what happens to the individuals as they become adults."

Prevention: Active Communication

Make it a point to talk with your child about his day when he gets home from school. Make it a friendly conversation. Listen with interest and ask questions. Your child needs to know you care about what happens in his life. This helps to keep the doors of communication open when times are tough, as well as strengthening your bond.

"Rather than asking them, 'Are you worried about X,Y or Z?, ask them 'Tell me how you feel about going back to school? What are your concerns and worries?' So the child can spontaneously present what's on his or her mind - rather than copping out by asking 'yes-no' questions," says Dr. Susan Sylvia of St. Louis Children's Hospital. "Kids are more likely to open up and talk when they've been given a little less structure in the conversation."

Prevention: Role Playing Reactions

Teach your child how to react if a bully approaches her. Role play with one another so that your child can practice being strong and saying the right things. It's important that parents don't encourage kids to physically fight as most schools maintain a zero tolerance policy - meaning that any child who acts out aggressively will be punished. Instead, kids should learn to walk away and to take fears and concerns to trusted school officials and parents.

"Teach your children how to walk away. Even the most eloquent, strongly spoken words aren't always enough to prevent abuse at the hands of a bully," says Ebony writer Nicole Walker. "In those cases, children need to know that it's not cowardly to walk (or even run) away, especially when it's a potentially dangerous situation."

Intervention: For bullying victims

If you see signs that your child is being bullied, it's time to take action. Start by talking with your child and getting an understanding of the situation. Discuss ways the child can diffuse the situation, and ask your child if he is comfortable speaking to his teacher or principal about the situation.

Next, talk with your child's teacher, school counselor or principal. Since most American schools have zero tolerance policies in place, they're concerned with (and obligated to maintain) your child's safety. Even so, sometimes kids don't ask for help and it's up to their parents to do so. Teachers and other school staff can't help your child if they're not aware that it's happening. Don't give up until the problem has been resolved.

Intervention: For bullies

If your child is the bully, sit down with your child and have a heart to heart conversation. Avoid placing blame on your child. Instead, begin by focusing on teaching your child to feel empathy for his victims. Then, says Sherryll Kraizer, PhD, focus on the following points:

•       Bullying is not acceptable in our family or in society.
•       If you are feeling frustrated or angry or aggressive, here are some things you can do.  
•       Remember to role-play, act out the new behaviors.
•       Ask, how can I help you with this? Who could you go to in school if you see yourself getting into this type of situation again?
•       Specify concretely the consequences if the aggression or bullying continue.

Bottom line: The idea is to stop the behavior, understand your child's feelings, then teach and reward more appropriate behavior.

Intervention: For all involved

When a bullying situation goes too far, it's often a good idea to get counseling for those involved in order to avoid long-term effects. While some school social workers lead school-based groups to help kids learn to socialize better, parents of bullies and their victims should consider taking action at home as well. Check with your child's school to see if programs are available.

Also, consider finding a counselor or therapist in your area to help your child work through the situation. Most health insurance plans, including Medicaid, will cover therapy in many cases. Some organizations and churches offer free and reduced price counseling as well.

Check out the Safe Child Program for more information on how to deal with bullies.

Image Credit: Stacy Braswell

How to Protect Your Kids from Bullying