The WM Parenting Connection

By Stacey Celaya - Family Health Expert


As a nation we watched the Kennedy family suffer the tragic loss of their husband and father. We cried as John Jr. saluted his father's grave and watched the family mourn their loss. But what about behind closed doors? How were those kids helped to mourn?

Dealing with death and grief is hard. There is no rule book on how to deal with the subject. There are steps and stages that we all go through while enduring the process and as adults we understand that it's necessary to heal. But what about our children? What do they understand and how can we help them to cope?


Like adults, kids deal with death differently. It is important to realize that there is no right or wrong way to deal with loss, but there are some general guidelines that can help.

Be honest with your children. Answer their questions making sure that you speak to them at a level that they can understand. Because children younger that 5 or 6 years old live in a very literal world you should not explain the death of a loved on as "going to sleep" or that you "lost" them. In a young person's mind that is exactly what happened and that can create fear that they will also go to sleep and never wake up or that they too can be "lost".

Be open to talking about their feelings when they are ready - don't force the issue. If they are not ready to talk be okay with that. When they are ready and they have questions they will come to you if you have made it clear that you are available.

Answer questions honestly but don't over complicate things. Ask them what they think happened and find out what they know. Kids are smart - they are often more aware of what is going on than we think...

Be aware that children may not understand that death is permanent. Very often they will ask you the same questions over and over in their quest to understand. You need to display patience and answer those questions - no matter how many times they ask.

Leave it up to your child to how they want to remember and honor their loved one. If they want to go to the funeral or memorial service let them go and if they don't then that needs to be OK too.

Keep the memory alive. Talk about that person, look at pictures or video and remember their life. By doing this you are keeping that loved one alive.

Be spiritual. If you are a spiritual person and your faith is what you lean on to get you through tough times, share that with your child. Religion and faith often give meaning to life and a bigger purpose to our lives here on earth. This can create hope in your child that things happen for a reason and that alone can be reassuring.

Be prepared for a variety of emotions and reactions to the death of a loved one. He/she may display anger and acting out, problems in school, sadness and crying even physical ailment such as headaches and stomach aches.

Find a counselor or support group. Having your child talk to a grief counselor can help them deal with the death of someone close to them. Working through the grief process is what will help them heal.

Above all - love your children. Death can make even the most grown-up of us question our security in life -- imagine how a child must feel. They will need the reassurance and security of your love.

Helping Our Children Deal with Death and Grief