The WM Parenting Connection

By Stacey Celaya

This week in one of my classes a couple of my classmates and I had to put together a presentation on Family Resiliency. What makes a family resilient? Why are some families able to motor through all sorts of stresses and strains and still stay intact and functional? What makes them different than other families that crack under the pressure?

The project got me thinking about my own family and coincidentally enough my ex-husband and I got into an argument regarding my parenting style. Let me explain.

I am Italian. I came from a home of yellers. My Dad yelled when he was mad as did (and still does) my Mom. Both my sister and I are yellers…products of our environment no doubt. As it turns out the man that I am married to now is a yeller as well. But there is an interesting caveat to the yelling that changes the context in which it is used. Our yelling is our way of releasing the stress or tension that we are feeling at the moment. Once the yelling is over – so is the problem. That’s the way it was when I was a kid too. My Dad would get angry about something or frustrated with one of us kids and blow up – then it was over. My Gramma (my Dad’s Mom) was the same way.

My ex-husband feels that my husband and I should not yell at the kids. He has never raised teenagers and experienced the way they can push your buttons until you have to physically walk away (although he says talking to them on the phone once a week is the same thing and so he knows ALL about it…LOL) because you want to knock them out!

So I called my Mom last night to vent my frustration with my ex and his audacity to criticize MY parenting skills when he was never around to contribute to ANY parenting of any sort. Here is what I have realized….

Although I came from a yelling household I always knew that I was loved. There was comfort and security in knowing that a very loud argument could happen and when it was over so was the problem. I KNEW that there was nothing that I could say or do that would ever cause that love and acceptance to stop.

We don’t mince words, we don’t sugar coat and we don’t cover up how we feel to avoid conflict. We yell it out.

The ironic part is that my older children are unable to tell their Dad, much of anything. Always afraid that he will get mad and so they stay quiet. Does he yell? Nope. But he criticizes – ever so quietly. Me? They tell me EVERYTHING – much to my delight AND trepidation. I have fostered an ever open line of communication in my children from the time they were babies - ensuring that they could tell me anything at any time about everything, in a large part because they know that they know the freedom of TRUE unconditional love and acceptance.

My family and I have survived a divorce, the death of my father, a remarriage, several moves to several states, a new baby, new schools, new houses, military deployments, me going back to college full-time and still we have stayed a single cohesive unit that LOVES each other.
I would say that qualifies us as a more than resilient family.

Are we dysfunctional? You bet! But think about it – does anyone REALLY know a family that ISN’T dysfunctional on some level? And no, the Cosby’s and Brady Bunch don’t count!
Would I recommend every family function like we do? Probably not – but what matters is that it works for us – and if it ain’t broke – then don’t fix it!

Yes, We Are A Dysfunctional Family - And I Am SO Okay With That!