The WM Parenting Connection

By Stacey Celaya

As long as I can remember I have juggled many things at one time. Being a single parent teaches you how to juggle. The longer you are a single parent the more you hone that skill. Me? I am the master juggler. I have many balls that I am responsible for keeping up in the air. It is a very delicate balance and although I have been successful at keeping those balls airborne for many years I always feel like the slightest disturbance in the air could cause me to drop every last one of them.

The problem is that I think there is a disturbance in the air and I am struggling to keep all those balls in motion and you will never guess what that disturbance is. Believe it or not, it is my husband.

I am a fourth year nursing student and for the first three years I went to school full time, handled all four kids, the house, the dog, the bills, whatever – on my own. The first year I was in school full time Rico was in Iraq, the second year he was stationed in Florida while we lived in North Carolina, the third year he was in Iraq again. This year he is home. Yes, he is stationed 80 miles away and comes home mostly on the weekends but he is still here. I am trying to learn how to work him into my juggling act and feeling like I am failing miserably. He is the “X” factor. I can be the student, the mother, the sister, the daughter, the friend and the homemaker all at the same time. How on earth do I add “wife” into that mix?

I have tons of homework on a daily basis, I have lots of clinical hours that need to be filled and of course I have the kids that need to be looked after and taken where they need to be when they have somewhere to go or something to do. Many times I don’t have time to make dinner. My kids have adapted well and are great at fending for themselves three or four nights a week during the semester. I make a point to buy healthy food that they can prepare themselves and they are good at it. I also do not have time to make sure my house is spotless on a daily basis. It is frustrating to argue with the kids when things aren’t done right and they know that I am preoccupied with homework and projects and patients and they often take advantage of that – and on the days I have a light school schedule we make up for lost time and get things in order.

But I have spoiled my husband. Because he has not been home on a consistent basis I cater to him when he is here. I don’t like for him to come home to an unkempt house because I feel like he should be able to come home and relax and not be stressed about what isn’t done. I always cook for him and make him a priority.

Right now doing those things is causing me to nearly drop my delicately balanced balls. He is on leave this week and next and although he KNOWS that I am swamped he doesn’t UNDERSTAND that I am swamped. I have never let him see me struggle to keep things together. But the truth is I AM struggling.

The thing is that I was raised not being allowed to use the word “can’t”. As kids we couldn’t use that word, we were ignored if we did until we found an alternative way of saying what we thought we couldn’t do. Now this is a great thing – because I never said “can’t”, it never occurs to me that I might not be able to do something. The bad thing is that when there is something that I am unable to do I get very frustrated with myself and am unable to understand why. So not allowing my husband to see me struggle is part of that mentality. Being deployed or stationed elsewhere is hard enough without worrying that I can’t handle things – so I have never let him see me struggle.

How do I work him in? How do I keep all those beautifully balanced balls rotating in the air?
Honesty is how I do it. I have to be honest with myself and admit that I cannot do everything by myself and that it isn’t a failure and doesn’t make me less of a wife or mother. I have to be honest with my husband and let him see that I am only human and not a one woman show. I have to take the biggest lesson I ever learned from single parenthood and apply it to my life now – I have to accept that it is ok to need help and to ask for that help.

I guess I have to do what I have always done…I need to put on my big girl panties, become the Nike girl and Just Do IT.

To Juggle Or Not To Juggle, That Is the Question