The WM Parenting Connection

by Jennifer Fulks- Tweens and Teens Expert

Wow! I don’t know about you but last week was a heck of a long week! The kids went back to school which left me at home during the day with my grandson. Phew, I forgot how time consuming a baby can be! This week I want to share with you the start to my journey as a 37 year old grandmother.


Last spring I was awakened by a message on my cell phone. This was odd because my phone never actually rang, just the tone saying there was a new message. In my sleepy state I listened to the recorded voice of my daughter’s boyfriend’s father. It went something like this: “Hi Jennifer, its Jim, Ethan’s dad, we need to get together and talk…..tonight. Give me a call.” And in that moment I knew; I knew my 17 year old daughter was pregnant! You see, I was 17 when I found myself pregnant and I had to go to my dad and tell him. I had great timing and told him on Christmas day. I took him aside and said “Dad, I have something to tell you.” He said “You can tell me anything, as long as you don’t tell me you’re pregnant.” I was crushed.

Looking back on that time, I realize I never once gave a thought as to how it was going to affect their lives. I suppose as a teenager your brain is just not wired to think that way yet. Although my parents were very supportive of me, I also had a deep sense that they were very ashamed to have their teenage daughter pregnant. Somehow we all just made it through. Don’t get me wrong, my parents were and always have been very loving with my children and supportive of me. But it always hurt that I never was given a baby shower with either of my first two children (born 15 months apart). For me, my first two pregnancies were not a celebration of life, they were more of a hush-hush, keep it on the down low kind of deal.

As I was saying, I got the message from Jim. My husband, Darren, had just walked out of the room and was on his way out the front door when I jumped out of bed, ran out of the room yelling “Wait, wait, don’t leave yet!” Darren turned around to come back and I said “I just got a message from Jim, I think Ashley is pregnant!” Of course with him being daddy and her being his youngest daughter he was in total disbelief, where as I knew that’s what was going on. I made my way to my computer looking for a pen and paper, shaking like crazy, trying to write down the number Jim left on my phone when I saw “it”.

My daughter knows the first thing I do in the morning is grab a cup of coffee and sit at my laptop to write or surf the web, so there “it” was, a folded up piece of paper with the word “Mom” written on it tucked under the front of my laptop. And I began to cry. I only made it through the first couple of lines before handing the letter to Darren to finish reading. I just couldn’t read it.

It seems as though my daughter has my great sense of timing as well. Today was the day she was taking her ACT test at school. The first thing I did was to send her a text telling her we love her and support her. Ethan had left a similar letter for his parents as well, so I then called Jim and we set up a time to get together to talk about everything.

In between bouts of sobbing, I was finally able to read the rest of her letter. Ashley and Ethan had it all planned out, they were going to graduate early, move out, and take care of things all on their own. It’s funny how the teenage mind thinks.

As soon as I was able to catch my breath I called my mother. I thought I would be able to cry to my mom and get an insider’s perspective on where to go from here. Of course I blurted it out as soon as she picked up the phone “Mom, Ashley is pregnant! (sob, sob, sob)” My mother, with her 70 some years of wisdom, laughed and said “My dear girl, it’s not the end of the world! Look what I went through with you, and we survived! I do hope she has a girl!”

WAIT, WHAT? IT’S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD?

Yes, those words hit me like a ton of bricks! And I realized, no our life did not just end, it merely changed its course. So I immediately began to get a plan together in my head. I picked my daughter up from school early, as soon as she was done with the ACT. She had already taken 4 pregnancy tests but I needed to see for myself to be sure. So we stopped at Walgreen's, and picked up a two pack (just to be really, really sure). We came home, went to the bathroom and she took the tests. All I could say was “Congratulations sweetheart, you’re going to be a mommy!”

OK, I could have said something different, I could have yelled and screamed and cried and berate her and all of those other horrible things, but what exactly would that have accomplished? I really just did not see what good could come out of making her feel bad. I know from experience that she is scared to death right now. I had to make a choice, to be her rock or to alienate her. I chose to be her rock.

When we all sat down together that night we all agreed first thing that abortion was not an option for any of us. Thankfully we are all together on the pro life page. After that I laid out my thoughts and left it open for everyone to agree or disagree. My thoughts on this were, and still are, help them now to give our grandchild the best possible start or let them do this on their own and they all struggle and suffer the rest of their lives. It seemed like a simple decision to me.

I am a homemaker. I do not work outside of my home, so I agreed to watch my grandson while my daughter gets her education. Ashley was already set to enter college in the fall, even though she still had to complete her senior year of High School. She is a brilliant student and wanted to be concurrently enrolled. I didn’t want her mess that up. For one, the school district is paying for her first year and the second thing is when she graduates from high school she will also be taking her exam to get her CNA license. In the fall of 2010 she will begin working on her Nursing degree. She has already been accepted into the program.

I feel that this will be the best way to help my daughter and my grandson. He has a caretaker in his own home; mommy gets her Nursing degree and a great job to be able to support them both. Yes, it is a sacrifice on my part. I was just getting to the point where my children were not so reliant on me anymore. But now I see, our children never really become independent from us, they just depend on us in different ways as they get older.

I know I have over simplified the situation a lot here, don’t think it has not been without more tears. I was in a major funk for the first few months. But I went to every single doctor’s appointment with my daughter. And the first time I saw my grandson on the monitor, swimming in my young daughters belly; the first time I heard his little heart beating, I was in love.

You see, I had a choice to make, hurt my daughter and hurt my grandson with anger and hate or rejoice that a new life is upon us. Pregnancy should be a celebration of life; it should not be shamed at any age. I wanted my grandchild to come to this world feeling love from the very start, knowing he was wanted and cherished from the beginning. I gave my daughter a huge baby shower!

I was right by her side when she gave birth to my beautiful grandson and every morning when I hold my grandson and we cuddle, every time I look into his bright beautiful eyes, my heart is filled with wonder and love, and my mind rejoices that I get all the perks and none of the getting up in the middle of the night!

But I'm too young to be a grandma!